She says she wanted me to hate her, so it might be
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Wife cheated
- Thread starter James 77
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MachoPants
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Sorry to hear about the plight. Hope you can find a healthy future for yourself
I’m keeping it in my pants for at least a year. But I should have seen the signs
I agree. It’s definitely not a fun way at all to start the year. But if she’s willing to sleep with someone so I’d hate her to make it easier for her to go back, rather than talking it out. Then good riddance
Polymathic
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It may be good to know from her exactly why she chose to marry you.
As the saying goes "she is not yours, it's just your turn". It's good that you can vent here and don't even try to find justifications for her actions. Consider yourself fortunate to learn this lesson early in life before you have kids and in the future don't get into something like marriage, where the other party benefits from breaking it with you, especially after you get some little ones into the world. I recommend watching Rich Cooper's channel "Entrepreneurs in cars", great content on relationships and will give you a different perspective on what you going through now.
S.Claus
Expert Member
Was the guy aware that she was married ?
Anyway just be happy she told you and you didn’t find out some other guy was spending time in the man cave down the line.
Anyway just be happy she told you and you didn’t find out some other guy was spending time in the man cave down the line.
I will definitely take a look. I did a lot of introspection. And of course I’m not perfect, No one is. But I’ve realised I’ve been carrying the relationship in every way possible.
Azbubu
Honorary Master
How do you know she really did it?
He was aware, I asked her.
True. But I’m not sure she would’ve told me, if I hadn’t confronted her
This is something I spoke about with one of my friends.
Me speaking with the professional and my friends came to the following :
From her actions and words
-she says she wants to go back home to her parents, and that’s why she wants to get a divorce.
-she had an affair
-she doesn’t love him and isn’t in love with him (she says) (apparently it was stupidity)
-she still loves me
-she is still living here and even started cooking (i used to do all the cooking)
From my side:
-I do still love her. I will always.
-I’m not sure I can trust her with regards to what she’s saying, and I won’t be able to trust her fully ever again.
-There are many contradictions in what she says.
-I’m not sure she loves me.
What is weird is it seems she hasn’t found closure yet, we had coffee outside and talked and she was sad when I spoke about my future plans and moving on etc.
Divorce is definitely the one and only thing to do.
From her actions and words
-she says she wants to go back home to her parents, and that’s why she wants to get a divorce.
-she had an affair
-she doesn’t love him and isn’t in love with him (she says) (apparently it was stupidity)
-she still loves me
-she is still living here and even started cooking (i used to do all the cooking)
From my side:
-I do still love her. I will always.
-I’m not sure I can trust her with regards to what she’s saying, and I won’t be able to trust her fully ever again.
-There are many contradictions in what she says.
-I’m not sure she loves me.
What is weird is it seems she hasn’t found closure yet, we had coffee outside and talked and she was sad when I spoke about my future plans and moving on etc.
Divorce is definitely the one and only thing to do.
It's possibly time that you expedite the process of her moving back to her folks.
You may need to do it harshly in order to get her to leave.
Her hanging around isn't letting either of you move on, and every 'normal' conversation will keep adding to your confusion.
If you can't/won't give her the boot, maybe there's somewhere you can go stay for a while until she's moved out.
shadow_man
Executive Member
As hard as it is stop being a doormat. Infidelity should immediately have seen you boot her out the house, she made her bed elsewhere, she can go lie in it!
Having her around is doing you no good , and it’s enabling her to keep treating you as a play thing, one she’s keeping around until she’s sure what she wants...
Don’t be that guy!
Having her around is doing you no good , and it’s enabling her to keep treating you as a play thing, one she’s keeping around until she’s sure what she wants...
Don’t be that guy!
Sorry to interfere but if you own the house do not move out.
My 2c and apologies if some of this is a bit harsh, so try focus on the message:
I haven't been married, and I don't see myself getting married unless it offers both parties a benefit like emigration purposes, etc.
But I have been in 4 long term relationships so far (obv. there have been short things in between)
1x 4 years, 1x 2 years, 1x 3 years, and my current which has been going for more than a year and a half. I lived together with people in the two long relationships (and current because of lockdown); so in all aspects it is like being married except the legal schlep.
Ok so now for my advice:
When my first relationship failed, I was devastated. I cried at night, couldn't sleep, thought I would be single forever and culminated in checking myself into a hospital. Mind you; I had just moved cities and started a new job, so maybe a lot of stress at the same time. Still it was no picnic.
As soon as I recovered from that (few months later), I was scared I would be single so jumped into dating immediately and wow the difference from before when I didn't know what I was doing. I had no problem getting dates or keeping a lady interested.
It really is much easier to start over, the baggage you need to fix is just not worth it. Every single relationship I got better at choosing someone I got along with better.
After that first epic fail, I also handled my next breakup much better. Like my first relationship I NEEDED, my relationships since, I'm in because I enjoy it and we make it work. When it stops working, then we part ways.
Lastly, a lot of people think they have a LOT in common with their current partner, so even though there is a lot of pain in the relationship they keep at it. There is a point where there is too much pain and you have to take what you learned and move on to something new.
Cheating for sure is one of the things that is just not worth trying to fix, in my opinion. Especially for someone who has such weak reasons. I mean next time will she cheat on you because she wants some ice cream and you didn't want to buy her some?
I haven't been married, and I don't see myself getting married unless it offers both parties a benefit like emigration purposes, etc.
But I have been in 4 long term relationships so far (obv. there have been short things in between)
1x 4 years, 1x 2 years, 1x 3 years, and my current which has been going for more than a year and a half. I lived together with people in the two long relationships (and current because of lockdown); so in all aspects it is like being married except the legal schlep.
Ok so now for my advice:
When my first relationship failed, I was devastated. I cried at night, couldn't sleep, thought I would be single forever and culminated in checking myself into a hospital. Mind you; I had just moved cities and started a new job, so maybe a lot of stress at the same time. Still it was no picnic.
As soon as I recovered from that (few months later), I was scared I would be single so jumped into dating immediately and wow the difference from before when I didn't know what I was doing. I had no problem getting dates or keeping a lady interested.
It really is much easier to start over, the baggage you need to fix is just not worth it. Every single relationship I got better at choosing someone I got along with better.
After that first epic fail, I also handled my next breakup much better. Like my first relationship I NEEDED, my relationships since, I'm in because I enjoy it and we make it work. When it stops working, then we part ways.
Lastly, a lot of people think they have a LOT in common with their current partner, so even though there is a lot of pain in the relationship they keep at it. There is a point where there is too much pain and you have to take what you learned and move on to something new.
Cheating for sure is one of the things that is just not worth trying to fix, in my opinion. Especially for someone who has such weak reasons. I mean next time will she cheat on you because she wants some ice cream and you didn't want to buy her some?
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You're enabling this kak situation, being wishy washy.
The_Ogre
Honorary Master
I'd say, before this affects your performance at work, and it will, inform your employer that you're currently experiencing personal problems.
I did that and my MD stopped me right in my tracks and told me that, while he empathises with my situation - and he will keep that in mind when performance appraisals are being done -, he's not a professional, but he's willing to send me, my wife, us both, or any permutation for as many sessions of counselling as we need if we need someone to talk to. Up until that point I didn't even know our company had such a policy.
I'm just trying to warn you not to have tunnel vision in all of this, and thereby neglect your work.
I've been in your situation. I know how it feels to sit in front of my PC and not being able to focus at all because my mind was somewhere else. I know how it feels to constantly Alt+Tab between my IDE and Chrome to go back to a certain WhatsApp conversation to see if I perhaps didn't read into that specific point she was trying to make.
This **** is going to eat you up from the inside, you're going to start questioning everything.
Go talk to a professional.
I did that and my MD stopped me right in my tracks and told me that, while he empathises with my situation - and he will keep that in mind when performance appraisals are being done -, he's not a professional, but he's willing to send me, my wife, us both, or any permutation for as many sessions of counselling as we need if we need someone to talk to. Up until that point I didn't even know our company had such a policy.
I'm just trying to warn you not to have tunnel vision in all of this, and thereby neglect your work.
I've been in your situation. I know how it feels to sit in front of my PC and not being able to focus at all because my mind was somewhere else. I know how it feels to constantly Alt+Tab between my IDE and Chrome to go back to a certain WhatsApp conversation to see if I perhaps didn't read into that specific point she was trying to make.
This **** is going to eat you up from the inside, you're going to start questioning everything.
Go talk to a professional.
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