Wife cheated

neoprema said:
Why was marriage blocking your career dreams?
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It wasn’t really blocking it per say, but I always wanted to leave the country and work in Canada or Dubai when I was fresh out of varsity. But then I met my wife, and she didn’t. I’ve never held it against her or anything.
 
eehellfire said:
It's possibly time that you expedite the process of her moving back to her folks.
You may need to do it harshly in order to get her to leave.
Her hanging around isn't letting either of you move on, and every 'normal' conversation will keep adding to your confusion.
If you can't/won't give her the boot, maybe there's somewhere you can go stay for a while until she's moved out.
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It will definitely be best, I’m pushing her to be gone as soon as possible. It is definitely making things more difficult
 
The_Donkey said:
I'd say, before this affects your performance at work, and it will, inform your employer that you're currently experiencing personal problems.

I did that and my MD stopped me right in my tracks and told me that, while he empathises with my situation - and he will keep that in mind when performance appraisals are being done -, he's not a professional, but he's willing to send me, my wife, us both, or any permutation for as many sessions of counselling as we need if we need someone to talk to. Up until that point I didn't even know our company had such a policy.

I'm just trying to warn you not to have tunnel vision in all of this, and thereby neglect your work.

I've been in your situation. I know how it feels to sit in front of my PC and not being able to focus at all because my mind was somewhere else. I know how it feels to constantly Alt+Tab between my IDE and Chrome to go back to a certain WhatsApp conversation to see if I perhaps didn't read into that specific point she was trying to make.

This **** is going to eat you up from the inside, you're going to start questioning everything.

Go talk to a professional.
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Its true. I am on a break from work at the moment, as I can’t focus on anything. It’s a bit better than last week though. But I will always wonder what and where things went wrong.

I have spoken to a professional at least, but because this whole situation is so contradictory. I will have to accept that I will never know the full truth.
 
jsheed_sa said:
As hard as it is stop being a doormat. Infidelity should immediately have seen you boot her out the house, she made her bed elsewhere, she can go lie in it!

Having her around is doing you no good , and it’s enabling her to keep treating you as a play thing, one she’s keeping around until she’s sure what she wants...

Don’t be that guy!
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I agree, she said countless times that the is still thinking hard about it all.

But I’m not leaving the door open for reconciliation. Forgive, forget and move on. That’s it
 
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Gnome said:
My 2c and apologies if some of this is a bit harsh, so try focus on the message:

I haven't been married, and I don't see myself getting married unless it offers both parties a benefit like emigration purposes, etc.
But I have been in 4 long term relationships so far (obv. there have been short things in between)

1x 4 years, 1x 2 years, 1x 3 years, and my current which has been going for more than a year and a half. I lived together with people in the two long relationships (and current because of lockdown); so in all aspects it is like being married except the legal schlep.

Ok so now for my advice:
When my first relationship failed, I was devastated. I cried at night, couldn't sleep, thought I would be single forever and culminated in checking myself into a hospital. Mind you; I had just moved cities and started a new job, so maybe a lot of stress at the same time. Still it was no picnic.

As soon as I recovered from that (few months later), I was scared I would be single so jumped into dating immediately and wow the difference from before when I didn't know what I was doing. I had no problem getting dates or keeping a lady interested.

It really is much easier to start over, the baggage you need to fix is just not worth it. Every single relationship I got better at choosing someone I got along with better.

After that first epic fail, I also handled my next breakup much better. Like my first relationship I NEEDED, my relationships since, I'm in because I enjoy it and we make it work. When it stops working, then we part ways.

Lastly, a lot of people think they have a LOT in common with their current partner, so even though there is a lot of pain in the relationship they keep at it. There is a point where there is too much pain and you have to take what you learned and move on to something new.

Cheating for sure is one of the things that is just not worth trying to fix, in my opinion. Especially for someone who has such weak reasons. I mean next time will she cheat on you because she wants some ice cream and you didn't want to buy her some?
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I understand, luckily I’ve had a few breakups as well. Although this is my first and definitely only marriage. If it wasn’t for that I would’ve kicked her out with immediate effect.

The thing is I obviously still love her. But I’m not thinking or hoping to reconcile. The reason is definitely not normal, it’s a sick thing. And I know it would most likely happen again.
 
As many have said before, see a professional

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Make sure when you have them visit, your cheating wife is at home.
 
A divorce doesn't have to cost a fortune.

If agreed on the who gets what and both happy it's fairly cheap.

If there is any deviation from the agreement lawyer up.

Divorce is the only answer. She wants it she arranges and pays for it.

You just agree the settlement.
 
Sorry dude. Had the same schit years ago. You will always think WTF did you do wrong, and the answer is Fokol.
The right Missus will come along like a big schit and you'll just know - she's the one.
 
Hemi300c said:
A divorce doesn't have to cost a fortune.

If agreed on the who gets what and both happy it's fairly cheap.

If there is any deviation from the agreement lawyer up.

Divorce is the only answer. She wants it she arranges and pays for it.

You just agree the settlement.
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I agree. Luckily we are out of community. She suggested it, so she pays.

If it was mutual out of respect. And the only reason was that she needs to go to her parents, then I would have paid half
 
HunterNW said:
Sorry dude. Had the same schit years ago. You will always think WTF did you do wrong, and the answer is Fokol.
The right Missus will come along like a big schit and you'll just know - she's the one.
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Ha ha a good analogy. But I agree. I’m not a beta in any way possible. It’s not my fault.
 
Fck me, what a shitshow. I can't even imagine how difficult this situation must be, good luck OP.
 
Kola_CT said:
You have questions...that is normal.

This is really the last place I would ask if it was my relationship.

Really close friends, maybe.
A professional without a personal interest in either side - go there.
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That's one of the things about Mybb, its all fun and games but when things get serious there are many members that go out of their way to assist in the best of their abilities.
 
James 77 said:
Me speaking with the professional and my friends came to the following :
From her actions and words
-she says she wants to go back home to her parents, and that’s why she wants to get a divorce.
-she had an affair
-she doesn’t love him and isn’t in love with him (she says) (apparently it was stupidity)
-she still loves me
-she is still living here and even started cooking (i used to do all the cooking)

From my side:

-I’m not sure I can trust her with regards to what she’s saying, and I won’t be able to trust her fully ever again.
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You know you can't trust any of the things she says, right?

Having been exactly where you are, maybe some minor details are different, the one thing that will help you figure it all out is perspective. The problem is 99% of that perspective will only come with the passage of time.
 
gamer16 said:
That's one of the things about Mybb, its all fun and games but when things get serious there are many members that go out of their way to assist in the best of their abilities.
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that’s true. And it means a lot. Especially as it’s a different perspective
 
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