Wife cheated

James 77 said:
Thank you, I told one of my good friends as well. That it’s not about me being a good person or better than anyone, but I have compassion. And I told her as well that she mustn’t mistake my kindness for weakness.
I’m not jealous, and I don’t hate her.

But she’s not my wife anymore. I will never be able to look at her again.

I don’t think this whole situation has sunk in yet for her. She doesn’t know where here emotions are at. Ofcourse I still love her, but she set fire to our home (metaphorically) and you can’t change or fix what is done.
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Hey man,

Good luck and wishing you all the best.

Look after yourself, keep talking to friends, a professional, hell, even the lunatics here.

PS: it will hit you too at some point, be sure you have trusted people to talk to when that happens.
 
James 77 said:
I agree, it doesn’t really matter. But with regards to the bedroom there was definitely no shortcomings
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That’s what you think, but clearly there hasn’t been a lot of open communication going on between the two of you.

She might have had some fantasies and desires never acted upon and felt she couldn’t discuss with you, hence went looking elsewhere.

Not being open enough is also a wedge between people.
 
SauRoNZA said:
That’s what you think, but clearly there hasn’t been a lot of open communication going on between the two of you.

She might have had some fantasies and desires never acted upon and felt she couldn’t discuss with you, hence went looking elsewhere.

Not being open enough is also a wedge between people.
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The problem is I think it might stem from her parents’ marriage. They sleep in different bedrooms, and basically talk about the weather and stuff. No romance.

I was always open about the fact that she can tell me her fantasies no matter what they are or how obscure. And we spoke about it.

This is not a sexual problem. Except if she is into females as suggested, and that might be the fantasy.
 
AfricanTech said:
Hey man,

Good luck and wishing you all the best.

Look after yourself, keep talking to friends, a professional, hell, even the lunatics here.

PS: it will hit you too at some point, be sure you have trusted people to talk to when that happens.
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Thank you very much, I appreciate it. I will definitely keep my close friends near
 
James 77 said:
The problem is I think it might stem from her parents’ marriage. They sleep in different bedrooms, and basically talk about the weather and stuff. No romance.

I was always open about the fact that she can tell me her fantasies no matter what they are or how obscure. And we spoke about it.

This is not a sexual problem. Except if she is into females as suggested, and that might be the fantasy.
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The last paragraph illustrates the second paragraph isn’t really all that true, don’t you think?

If you don’t know for sure what she’s into and leaving it up to a maybe it says that it wasn’t really all that open.

Your posts (perceived at least anyway) so far indicate a complete lack of open communication and the fact that this was a surprise that came out of nowhere to you further illustrates that.

Doesn’t have to be sexual but the very nature of not actually knowing why says you’ve either been purposely ignorant or completely unaware of what’s going on around you.

It’s really too late now, but it is what it is.

Maybe just don’t lay it all at her door, it always takes two to tango.
 
SauRoNZA said:
The last paragraph illustrates the second paragraph isn’t really all that true, don’t you think?

If you don’t know for sure what she’s into and leaving it up to a maybe it says that it wasn’t really all that open.

Your posts (perceived at least anyway) so far indicate a complete lack of open communication and the fact that this was a surprise that came out of nowhere to you further illustrates that.

Doesn’t have to be sexual but the very nature of not actually knowing why says you’ve either been purposely ignorant or completely unaware of what’s going on around you.

It’s really too late now, but it is what it is.

Maybe just don’t lay it all at her door, it always takes two to tango.
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*two to untangle
 
SauRoNZA said:
The last paragraph illustrates the second paragraph isn’t really all that true, don’t you think?

If you don’t know for sure what she’s into and leaving it up to a maybe it says that it wasn’t really all that open.

Your posts (perceived at least anyway) so far indicate a complete lack of open communication and the fact that this was a surprise that came out of nowhere to you further illustrates that.

Doesn’t have to be sexual but the very nature of not actually knowing why says you’ve either been purposely ignorant or completely unaware of what’s going on around you.

It’s really too late now, but it is what it is.

Maybe just don’t lay it all at her door, it always takes two to tango.
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Well said
 
Throw it out. Then go Ho and Blow for a few months. You will be over it in no time.
 
I know several couples who lived though one partner cheating, and then they talked and talked about why, about their hurts, and hopes, and enjoyments, and limitations, and dreams, and succeeded in building a better marriage than before. Some of those would have said, before it actually happened to them: "If she/he ever cheats, she/he's out, and our time together is over!" and then they were surprised at finding that their need to understand, and not to throw everything* away, was greater than the hurt and judgment.

* Perhaps "everything" is so much less when the people and the relationship are young, so they might be better of just leaving this chapter behind then, and "everything" may be progressively more worth preserving, with increasing age and shared wealth and children.

Having said that, saving the relationship, if possible at all, can be done only if both spouses are willing to do the hard work, and if they both determine not to be destructive, and to be honest with each other. For some, that's the material to build a different kind of future together. But even if not, then the closure is better for having had the questions answered. If either party refuses to enter into the process, though, then I don't think it can work.
 
SauRoNZA said:
The last paragraph illustrates the second paragraph isn’t really all that true, don’t you think?

If you don’t know for sure what she’s into and leaving it up to a maybe it says that it wasn’t really all that open.

Your posts (perceived at least anyway) so far indicate a complete lack of open communication and the fact that this was a surprise that came out of nowhere to you further illustrates that.

Doesn’t have to be sexual but the very nature of not actually knowing why says you’ve either been purposely ignorant or completely unaware of what’s going on around you.

It’s really too late now, but it is what it is.

Maybe just don’t lay it all at her door, it always takes two to tango.
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I agree but remember, you can’t force anyone to say something that they won’t or if they are in denial. I would find it very difficult to tell anyone, especially my wife, if I was into men
 
SauRoNZA said:
The last paragraph illustrates the second paragraph isn’t really all that true, don’t you think?

If you don’t know for sure what she’s into and leaving it up to a maybe it says that it wasn’t really all that open.

Your posts (perceived at least anyway) so far indicate a complete lack of open communication and the fact that this was a surprise that came out of nowhere to you further illustrates that.

Doesn’t have to be sexual but the very nature of not actually knowing why says you’ve either been purposely ignorant or completely unaware of what’s going on around you.

It’s really too late now, but it is what it is.

Maybe just don’t lay it all at her door, it always takes two to tango.
Click to expand...
It’s really not about hating her or giving her all the blame.

but communication is a two way street like you said, but I can’t force her. No one can force anyone. I listen to her without judgement and I give her time, communication from my side couldn’t be any better. I told her everything and she always said that she does as well.

In terms of fantasies and stuff I’m not conservative at all, I told her mine. And no judgement, the things she told me, we do. My drive is a lot higher than hers, but its not a problem. TMI

But in the end you can’t know if someone is telling you everything or the truth, until you find out otherwise like now.
 
James 77 said:
It’s really not about hating her or giving her all the blame.

but communication is a two way street like you said, but I can’t force her. No one can force anyone. I listen to her without judgement and I give her time, communication from my side couldn’t be any better. I told her everything and she always said that she does as well.

In terms of fantasies and stuff I’m not conservative at all, I told her mine. And no judgement, the things she told me, we do. My drive is a lot higher than hers, but its not a problem. TMI

But in the end you can’t know if someone is telling you everything or the truth, until you find out otherwise like now.
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Yeah I’m inclined to think even more if your drive has been higher than hers but she’s the one that went off side questing that something wasn’t being said and acted upon and the supposed lack of drive was camouflage all along.

But it is what it is, maybe one day you’ll find out the deeper truth of the matter.
 
SauRoNZA said:
Yeah I’m inclined to think even more if your drive has been higher than hers but she’s the one that went off side questing that something wasn’t being said and acted upon and the supposed lack of drive was camouflage all along.

But it is what it is, maybe one day you’ll find out the deeper truth of the matter.
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I agree with you.
 
Big Rat said:
Nope sorry, on the kid we will disagree. You raised her for a year, you were her dad for all intent and purposes. Just because it is someone else 'glue', all the emotional joy and bonding means nothing? SO someone spent 5 minutes fukking her at the party, you had the pleasure of bonding with the kid, see her grow. And you threw that away as well?

And your wife at the moment made you just drop her cold turkey like that? what if she requires medical help, as she always had, all of a sudden that is gone?

Nah mate, dropping the wife is one thing we agree on, dropping a child who saw you as her dad, even only a year old, not cool.
But that is just my humble opinion, based on raising my sister's twins when the dad bailed out once he heard she is pregnant. I am dad, I am the one they come to for help, for sharing their achievements or their pain.
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The damage to the kid did not start with him though, it started with the cheating wife.
Problem is, if he wanted to be part of the kid's life the ex would make it hell for him.
 
Sadly in my experience , primarily woman , will withhold the full truth to try maintain a level of innocence and in a sense, "power of the unknown" over the people they hurt. Their minds just work differently and this is an acceptable behavior, where as to me it is completely unacceptable. I have investigated many cheating spouse's. Too often a woman will swear on her childrens lives that she hasn't done anything , which is when my clients have showed them the photos, and strangely this is usually when they turn it around and say "how dare you have me followed" , as if it was the poor guys fault all along.

Men tend to admit it and take their licks and accept the blame.

Just a personal observation from personal experience feminites. calm down. Your tow truck gonna over heat.

So in a way I would advise to make peace with the fact that you may never know the full truth.
 
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