Advice on ending a long term relationship

I may have missed it, why did the girlfriend leave her good job?

Sounds like she got tired of working and wanted to freeload off of OP's expense.
 
If she is not taking care of the house like a live in maid (because frankly you are paying for everything so the house work is the least I would expect her to do)... then the sex must be amazing.
If the sex isn't great and she is not looking after the house, then I am sorry to tell you this... but you are being taken for a ride.
Love is one thing, but you'd expect to see some contribution to your happiness...and by the sounds of it, you are getting treated poorly.
 
She needs a psychologist not a break up.

Textbook symptoms of transition failure from early to middle adulthood, likely due to unresolved childhood issues.

Look up Eriksons stages of development, it's a bit oversimplified but easy to gain an understanding of where the behaviour is coming from. You're moving into stage 7, she's stuck somewhere earlier, likely identity formation.

When she was younger she could power through the block but this resilience only lasts so long, loss of her job would have been a major trigger.

If you want to help her and make the relationship work get her to a shrink.
 
Rickster said:
I may have missed it, why did the girlfriend leave her good job?

Sounds like she got tired of working and wanted to freeload off of OP's expense.
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Unfortunately that was not the case at the time, that would have been far easier to deal with emotionally. But it was due to the company and people she worked with demanding more from someone who could, someone willing to work 18 hour days, and weekends cause she thought it would simmer down at some point. And she would be moved up on the ladder. That never happened.

I remember sitting with her at 4am on a Sunday morning, her trying to deal with chargebacks and sending out emails to clients that their accounts had suspicious activity. And walking around Cape Town at 7am trying to find coffee and breakfast for us.

She quit the job, before the job completely destroyed her.
 
killerbyte said:
If she is not taking care of the house like a live in maid (because frankly you are paying for everything so the house work is the least I would expect her to do)... then the sex must be amazing.
If the sex isn't great and she is not looking after the house, then I am sorry to tell you this... but you are being taken for a ride.
Love is one thing, but you'd expect to see some contribution to your happiness...and by the sounds of it, you are getting treated poorly.
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And this is why I'm making these changes. Of course, I could have gone full ronin and just cut her off. But regardless of behind a thick veil she is actually just using me. I am still responsible for how I treat others. And I choose to treat her, and her journey with compassion, kindness and grace.

If nothing else, this thread has crystallized that for me. I may have been treated unfairly, but that does not mean I have to act that way.

Thank you for your point of view, I appreciate it.
 
ScottulusMaximus said:
She needs a psychologist not a break up.

Textbook symptoms of transition failure from early to middle adulthood, likely due to unresolved childhood issues.

Look up Eriksons stages of development, it's a bit oversimplified but easy to gain an understanding of where the behaviour is coming from. You're moving into stage 7, she's stuck somewhere earlier, likely identity formation.

When she was younger she could power through the block but this resilience only lasts so long, loss of her job would have been a major trigger.

If you want to help her and make the relationship work get her to a shrink.
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Just thank you, this will influence my thinking on how to move, act and help her going forward.

Truly appreciated, and you might have pointed a life in the right direction.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Instead of speculating here, I'll sit us both down in front of a lawyer. And we draw up a legal statement, each. Neither of us are interested in screwing the other one over. This much we've established.

But thanks anyway.
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I wouldn’t take that for granted once when she realises how far up sht creek she is financially and/or someone starts putting ideas in her head.
Tread very carefully
 
Snyper564 said:
spot on for example my wife wants to get me a Kenwood Chef I would rather be there picking the right one than the wrong one. Her idea but the model for something like this is important and we can make a trip out of it.
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Hate it when someone buys me gifts without consulting first.

Imagine I get a Goldair Airfryer instead of a Philips.

How can anyone have a happy marriage in such a situation?

My wife has learned to keep the slips and tags on in case I am not satisfied.

I also give her a generous amount of money to buy me something nice.
 
airborne said:
I wouldn’t take that for granted once when she realises how far up sht creek she is financially and/or someone starts putting ideas in her head.
Tread very carefully
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Sad but true. Lawyers come involed and a different ball game.. from a civil break up to her trying to schny me out of everything took literally minutes.

Tread carefully
 
RedViking said:
Expect a legal letter though. She might be busy planning her early retirement.
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I dropped my uncle in the legal department (jokes, just my actual lawyer) a mail this morning. He'll probably get back to me on the 3rd or so. Doubt she could accomplish anything faster, even if she wanted to.

Again, I'll sit us both down. This will be done with civility, and by the book. That's what is right. On paper, signed. No verbal nothing.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
I dropped my uncle in the legal department (jokes, just my actual lawyer) a mail this morning. He'll probably get back to me on the 3rd or so. Doubt she could accomplish anything faster, even if she wanted to.

Again, I'll sit us both down. This will be done with civility, and by the book. That's what is right. On paper, signed. No verbal nothing.
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Sounds wise!
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Unfortunately that was not the case at the time, that would have been far easier to deal with emotionally. But it was due to the company and people she worked with demanding more from someone who could, someone willing to work 18 hour days, and weekends cause she thought it would simmer down at some point. And she would be moved up on the ladder. That never happened.

I remember sitting with her at 4am on a Sunday morning, her trying to deal with chargebacks and sending out emails to clients that their accounts had suspicious activity. And walking around Cape Town at 7am trying to find coffee and breakfast for us.

She quit the job, before the job completely destroyed her.
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Some real rat bastard managers and companies out there.

Infuriates me when I hear stories like this.
 
AfricanTech said:
Some real rat bastard managers and companies out there.

Infuriates me when I hear stories like this.
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It's all too common. Maybe both her and I have been unlucky, but this has been our experience separately and together. At various companies over the years.

We walked that road together, only she stuck it out with me, and I stuck it out with her. She was my light and I hers, which is why this pains me so much.

If there is one thing that resonates with me, the person that is your partner in grime every day, no matter what. Take them, sit them down and tell em how much you appreciate them.

Cause from where I'm standing you have limited time to let them know.
 
SauRoNZA said:
Not a red flag on any level.

Quite the contrary. If you bought me something random I’d likely never use for my birthday and just wasted money that would deeply annoy me.

I can’t remember a birthday where I didn’t choose my own gift by making it known or literally buying it for myself.

If anything it’s an indication of knowing the person.
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Most guys aren't a fussy hard to please **** like you. :p

Seriously though by the way the OP complained about made me think that he wasn't the same way.
 
Polymathic said:
Most guys aren't a fussy hard to please **** like you. :p

Seriously though by the way the OP complained about made me think that he wasn't the same way.
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You aren’t wrong there, but those that are get deeply annoyed.

But yeah I missed where OP moaned about it so you might be right.
 
SauRoNZA said:
You aren’t wrong there, but those that are get deeply annoyed.

But yeah I missed where OP moaned about it so you might be right.
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Getting a gift for someone very close to you, is a great way to align with them, to say, yo I got you. It obviously depends on proximity, but your wife should know and be capable of getting you a few pairs of socks.

When you have to fund, drive and instigate that whole process, it doesn't feel all that great. Plus you don't expect your significant other to be incapable of that process. For various reasons.

It's not about being picky, it's about someone making some effort, in the same way you do for them.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Getting a gift for someone very close to you, is a great way to align with them, to say, yo I got you. It obviously depends on proximity, but your wife should know and be capable of getting you a few pairs of socks.

When you have to fund, drive and instigate that whole process, it doesn't feel all that great. Plus you don't expect your significant other to be incapable of that process. For various reasons.

It's not about being picky, it's about someone making some effort, in the same way you do for them.
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She’s depressed and needs to see a psychologist.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Thanks, yes, this has been highlighted by a few people here. But first she's going to have to stand on her own two feet. I've walked her out of depression more than once.
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Then one would have thought you may have learnt something from the experience and it’s not something she’ll just walk herself out of, especially if she’s already so low she’s hardly lifting a finger.

Or are you hoping for a suicide to solve your problems?
 
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