Advice on ending a long term relationship

SauRoNZA said:
Not a red flag on any level.

Quite the contrary. If you bought me something random I’d likely never use for my birthday and just wasted money that would deeply annoy me.
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It is easier to just tell somebody what they want but then why bother with gifts in the first place. So...impersonal. It's supposed to be about the giving, not the gift. Silly traditions that have morphed into obligations.

Take me out to dinner I say, a good steak and a night out is a great gift.
 
Hamster said:
It is easier to just tell somebody what they want but then why bother with gifts in the first place. So...impersonal. It's supposed to be about the giving, not the gift. Silly traditions that have morphed into obligations.

Take me out to dinner I say, a good steak and a night out is a great gift.
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Well said, it's the consideration and specificity that matters most. The gift is nearly irrelevant, it's the effort that matters.
 
Hamster said:
It is easier to just tell somebody what they want but then why bother with gifts in the first place. So...impersonal. It's supposed to be about the giving, not the gift. Silly traditions that have morphed into obligations.

Take me out to dinner I say, a good steak and a night out is a great gift.
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Quite the opposite.

Receiving something very random that I have no use for I consider very impersonal because it shows that you don’t really know me on any level.

And no it’s not about the gift, but if the gift is ****ing useless and way off it’s just waste of money and time and energy.

Not everyone is the same when it comes to giving and receiving of gifts.

And yes, being a foodie taking me out to somewhere I haven’t been before is a great gift, but even so I’d much prefer to know about it in advance so I can tell you whether it’s going to be a good or bad idea.

There’s nothing I despise more than surprises. Especially if they go wrong and I then have to either pretend I liked it or be the **** who says I already have this thing or already did this thing etc.

The most personal gift you can give me is asking me up front what you can get me or checking in that your idea is a good one. Failing that a voucher will always be a winner.
 
MagNorthDigital said:
Since your horse is tall, i can only wonder if your relationship would have survived nearly two decades with zero paperwork and bangles
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You're saying that like it's a good thing. It sounds more like you have a great escape plan so good on you I guess.

MagNorthDigital said:
Also, no unfortunately no mother issues, that's a generalization I cannot agree with, or find merit in. Wanting someone to contribute in specific and meaningful ways to a relationship is not "mommy issues". If this was the case, by your definition every woman has daddy issues? Sorry, I don't agree.
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You know, you haven't said a single positive thing that she's does. In everything you belittle her.
She does online courses ? Well its from my money and she hasn't made money from it so **** this.
She goes to buy groceries for us? Well its from my money so **** this.
She tries to book a weekend away? Well its from my money and she made mistakes that cost us money so **** this.
She gets you a gift and gets you to pick it out so she doesn't waste your money? Well its from my money and I secretly wanted her to do it so **** this.

And the final straw, she cooks sometimes but didn't cook Christmas lunch and pay for it herself? **** this, I'll tell her to **** off but she can come back with a weeks worth of groceries.


Toxic stuff. Didn't even go to therapy, just sprung it on her the day after Christmas. Enjoy your single life with your money.
 
NR7 said:
You're saying that like it's a good thing. It sounds more like you have a great escape plan so good on you I guess.



You know, you haven't said a single positive thing that she's does. In everything you belittle her.
She does online courses ? Well its from my money and she hasn't made money from it so **** this.
She goes to buy groceries for us? Well its from my money so **** this.
She tries to book a weekend away? Well its from my money and she made mistakes that cost us money so **** this.
She gets you a gift and gets you to pick it out so she doesn't waste your money? Well its from my money and I secretly wanted her to do it so **** this.

And the final straw, she cooks sometimes but didn't cook Christmas lunch and pay for it herself? **** this, I'll tell her to **** off but she can come back with a weeks worth of groceries.


Toxic stuff. Didn't even go to therapy, just sprung it on her the day after Christmas. Enjoy your single life with your money.
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I think like somebody mentioned earlier, that would the outlook have been different, if there were kids. So she stays home, takes care of them, gets them to school, picks them up etc

Great women dont always have to be working and earning money, to be somebody valued within a relationship. Also, OP also didn't mention the reason why exactly he wants her work. Is it so that they can maintain a certain lifestyle, a big home or fancy car? If so, why not settle for something less, instead of throwing away a relationship, because the money coming in, isn't enough to cover those expenses
 
NR7 said:
You're saying that like it's a good thing. It sounds more like you have a great escape plan so good on you I guess.



You know, you haven't said a single positive thing that she's does. In everything you belittle her.
She does online courses ? Well its from my money and she hasn't made money from it so **** this.
She goes to buy groceries for us? Well its from my money so **** this.
She tries to book a weekend away? Well its from my money and she made mistakes that cost us money so **** this.
She gets you a gift and gets you to pick it out so she doesn't waste your money? Well its from my money and I secretly wanted her to do it so **** this.

And the final straw, she cooks sometimes but didn't cook Christmas lunch and pay for it herself? **** this, I'll tell her to **** off but she can come back with a weeks worth of groceries.


Toxic stuff. Didn't even go to therapy, just sprung it on her the day after Christmas. Enjoy your single life with your money.
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Lots of assumptions, but what I find more interesting is that you seem really miffed by all of this. Like seriously ****ed off.

I haven't said a single positive thing she does? What would you like to hear? That she changed over night? That all of a sudden she got a job? Sorry, the reality is far different, and we're both dealing with what's actually happening on the ground, right now.

Why are you angry? I'm the one that should be angry, but I'm not even slightly mad. Just considering what the best path forward is for both of myself and her.

No, before you go, "but you are only thinking about youself". Consider this, I've been thinking about her, for so long, that even now my options and opinions revolve around her. So no, quite the opposite.

Before you try and imprint your experiences here. Rather tell us how you dealt with your difficult times. That is far more valuable than growing rocks at my situation.
 
Iamn0tageek said:
I hope she doesn't read this thread.
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If only you knew. If only you knew the deep, soul searching, self discovering discussions we've had, based on this thread. Some of the comments here sparked questions neither of us asked ourselves, and some just showed us a different point of view.

Note where I thank people for their input? And specifically the comment about the Erikson development stages of a person.
 
Icemanbrfc said:
I think like somebody mentioned earlier, that would the outlook have been different, if there were kids. So she stays home, takes care of them, gets them to school, picks them up etc

Great women dont always have to be working and earning money, to be somebody valued within a relationship. Also, OP also didn't mention the reason why exactly he wants her work. Is it so that they can maintain a certain lifestyle, a big home or fancy car? If so, why not settle for something less, instead of throwing away a relationship, because the money coming in, isn't enough to cover those expenses
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Hi Ice, a prudent question. It's not about money. If it was, we would have left each other a long time ago.

It's about not wasting a life, not wasting time, and being self sufficient in a space where the other person is incapable of helping you. I need to know she can stand on her own without me.

Not because i want to leave her, not because i want a role reversal. But because soon there will come a day where i cant help her, i cant care for her. And i need to know that she is capable without me.

Is it too much to ask that someone be capable and actively working at looking after themselves? I don't think so.
 
didnt think i'd post here again,
think of each person in the relationship as a pillar holding up a structure, the structure is your relationship/marriage/family/whatever.
if the pillars aren't spaced far apart enough the structure will collapse, thus you stand together to achieve something with each one bearing their own load, with enough space in between not to smother the other
my recollection is vague on the specifics of the comparison, the point being that each person should bring some strength to the thing, one can manage the others load for a bit, but it cant be a permanent solution.

do keep in mind that by 'kicking her out' / be cruel to be kind you're effectively removing your support, the obvious strongest part. as money is not the problem, i could echo some mental health support for the both of you, you may not realize at present how much you also need it, but certainly she will benefit from sessions. i wish i could propose a good head doctor, but i detest them all for different reasons - i am a cnt after all.

on another note, it's dead easy to spin this whole thing a whole number of ways,
1) you're selfish to want happiness (relationships at the core must be selfish, you need to be able to satisfy your own needs before able to satisfy the needs of others)
2) you're selfless to have supported the load for such a long time and want her to succeed and find joy in accomplishments, rewarded financially for her worth to a business / whatever
3) and many variations posted here too

you clearly care for her and i still wish you both happiness, the reality though is if you're going to travel the next bumpy road together or apart or not at all
 
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chuckles_the_cnt said:
didnt think i'd post here again,
think of each person in the relationship as a pillar holding up a structure, the structure is your relationship/marriage/family/whatever.
if the pillars aren't spaced far apart enough the structure will collapse, thus you stand together to achieve something with each one bearing their own load, with enough space in between not to smother the other
my recollection is vague on the specifics of the comparison, the point being that each person should bring some strength to the thing, one can manage the others load for a bit, but it cant be a permanent solution.

do keep in mind that by 'kicking her out' / be cruel to be kind you're effectively removing your support, the obvious strongest part. as money is not the problem, i could echo some mental health support for the both of you, you may not realize at present how much you also need it, but certainly she will benefit from sessions. i wish i could propose a good head doctor, but i detest them all for different reasons - i am a cnt after all.

on another note, it's dead easy to spin this whole thing a whole number of ways,
1) you're selfish to want happiness (relationships at the core must be selfish, you need to be able to satisfy your own needs before able to satisfy the needs of others)
2) you're selfless to have supported the load for such a long time and want her to succeed and find joy in accomplishments, rewarded financially for her worth to a business / whatever
3) and many variations posted here too

you clearly care for her and i still wish you both happiness, the reality though is if you're going to travel the next bumpy road together or apart or not at all
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And I thank you, for your consideration and advice, yes it can be spun any which way.

But my gut says, get her to try and stand on her own. If she falls, this time, wait until she asks for help, before helping her up. Don't just shield her from trying harder, by default. Don't just give her an easy out, let her find her way back to me, if she wants to.

Also another observation, and this says a whole lot about society. I realized this after NR7... My conversation with her, and here would be completely different if our genders where swapped.

So indeed many lenses to look at this, but on the balance of it good advice here. I'm glad I made this thread
 
Willie Trombone said:
Not sure if it's been asked, but has she seen the doc for depression and potentially hormone therapy?
May genuinely just be low testo or other that can be treated.
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Thanks Willie, her hormones are fine. Being older models we both go for our checkups. We even had dna testing done, to pick up any future complications. Was all above board. There is nothing physically wrong with either of us, and we're both in good shape.

I mean how many 40 year old women do you know that can deadlift 1.25x her body weight and bench 60kg. (We gym together)

So physical health is a priority for both of us.
 
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