Asking the parents...

They knew, we were dating for 3 years and I mentioned it numerous time that I intended marry her.
 
It is no longer a permission as it used to be. It is now a courtesy as AfricanTech has already said. Basically they have to say yes in this day and age. Saying no risks hurting their relationship with their daughter, if they know that she would want to say yes to you. Especially if their daughter no longer lives at home with them, but even then it is still an almost guaranteed yes.

If you see it as a formality with a definite yes answer as the result, it becomes really easy to simply say: "You know how much I love and care for your Daughter, I would like to ask her to marry me and it would mean a lot to get your blessings first."

Note, I am not really traditional at all. I still asked my wife's mom and step dad. Not because I wanted permission, because I would have asked her regardless of the answer. I asked because I knew that it would be important to both my wife's parents and my wife herself.
 
Its just me and i don't mean to be a douche, but 25 is too young to be thinking of marriage and 2 years not long enough to be sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person!
 
Some people like everything doing by the book. My friend really put his foot in it when his daughter said she was expecting her boyfriend Gerald to propose to her. Her dad said "but I thought you were going out with Stephen" whereupon she burst into tears as only a drama-queen can. It was all smoothed out later and I had to persuade the daughter that her dad was pulling her leg, but she was a bit suspicious for a few days. I told him to try and keep his mouth shut for a while, until things calmed down.
 
Carol35 said:
Its just me and i don't mean to be a douche, but 25 is too young to be thinking of marriage and 2 years not long enough to be sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person!
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Was thinking the same thing..not because of the OP's age but because he comes across as being quite uncertain of himself..
 
Carol35 said:
Its just me and i don't mean to be a douche, but 25 is too young to be thinking of marriage and 2 years not long enough to be sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person!
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Some people are ready earlier than others. Some relationships are ready sooner than others. Saying he is not ready based on age or length of time spent in the relationship is pretty narrow minded.

ICBXX has a far more valid reason for pointing out his readiness. But then some people are just shy and don't know how to fix it.
 
giovannidc said:
I phoned the dad up and asked if I could quickly come see him at his work. I then took him some biltong as a peace offering and told him I loved his daughter and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and that I want to ask her to marry me and that I'd feel honored if he would give his blessing.

It went pretty well and he gave me some advice on being married and what it means to be a husband.

Surprisingly, my dad was a bit upset that I didn't come speak to him.
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Cool. Out of interest, if he had said no would you still marry her?
 
SoulTax said:
Some people are ready earlier than others. Some relationships are ready sooner than others. Saying he is not ready based on age or length of time spent in the relationship is pretty narrow minded.

ICBXX has a far more valid reason for pointing out his readiness. But then some people are just shy and don't know how to fix it.
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Yep I know...Im not narrow-minded at all, I just look around me at alot of people my age who are now divorced, onto second marriages, ..the stats dont look good! I dont get what the rush is tbh. And yes, rich coming from me who also married in my 20's but we lived together for many years, had our children etc etc, the marriage was just really a formality and nothing changed except my surname. Lolz, no, the husband didnt ask my dad although Im sure my dad was blady relieved, he practically ran me up the aisle! :)

Anyhow, I know people do have successful marriages after short periods of knowing each other but they are few. Sorry guys, this is just my opinion!
 
Carol35 said:
Yep I know...Im not narrow-minded at all, I just look around me at alot of people my age who are now divorced, onto second marriages, ..the stats dont look good! I dont get what the rush is tbh. And yes, rich coming from me who also married in my 20's but we lived together for many years, had our children etc etc, the marriage was just really a formality and nothing changed except my surname. Lolz, no, the husband didnt ask my dad although Im sure my dad was blady relieved, he practically ran me up the aisle! :)

Anyhow, I know people do have successful marriages after short periods of knowing each other but they are few. Sorry guys, this is just my opinion!
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Fair enough and I do agree with the stats and your concerns. But he will find out in the years to come whether he is getting married too young or not.
 
To those saying 25 is too young and 2 years is too short: It's different for everybody.

I got married at 22. I met Jan at 19 and we knew within a few weeks that we were going to get married. However we were both students, so it made no sense to get hitched right away.

Less than 3 months after meeting me, Jan took my dad out to coffee and instead of asking permission to marry me, instead asked for permission to date me with the intent of marrying me. My dad was chuffed to bits at being asked permission to go out with me and impressed with Jan for clearly stating his intentions. I lived in my fathers' house and I didn't need his approval, but it was a courtesy and act of respect that Jan showed him which goes a long way to establishing their relationship too. After all, when you marry you become a part of the other person's family.

When our circumstances had changed to ones more suitable to being married, Jan did not have to ask permission to marry me. We could just inform the family that we were engaged and had officially begun making preparations for the wedding.

These days, people date one another to get to know one another. I believe dating should be with serious intent to pursue a long-term relationship, and should only happen once you've already gotten to know the other person informally. Jan and I spent 2.5months getting to know each other before we started dating.

My dad loves Jan to bits and will always regard him as a son, not just "that dude who married his daughter".

In other news, it wouldn't hurt if your GF were to ask your mother/father/parents if they're okay with her marrying you either. My mother-in-law was also all smiles when I dropped into casual conversation "Would you mind if I married him?" and informed me that she had adopted me as her daughter before we even officially started dating.

Family is important. You'd be surprised at how much insight parents can offer regarding your readiness to be married. You're not asking for permission, you're actually asking "Do you think I'm ready to marry your child?". You need to want to hear the answer though.

We have been married for over 5 years now and life is great.
 
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Carol35 said:
Its just me and i don't mean to be a douche, but 25 is too young to be thinking of marriage and 2 years not long enough to be sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person!
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Lol, different for everyone I reckon. I was 24, went out with my wife to be for 2 years before that. Still happily married today.

When you're ready you're ready.
 
I believe in this day and age it isn't about asking for permission, it is about informing the parents. The daughter/son has the ultimate say, not the parents. You should not ask them, but tell them. "I would like to inform you that I will be asking -insert name- to marry me. Before I do this I would love to get your blessings". That is about it. If they decline giving you their blessings ask them why. Maybe they think you aren't ready or even don't like you. Try work out the issue given for said decline and make sure there is no tension between you and the parents in law. After that you're 100% ready to go!
 
AfricanTech said:
Simple. To the point. Win.

Oh, they can't actually say NO - it's just a courtesy.

PS: I presume that you have checked that she wants to get married - you could ask together.
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good idea!

and she is always drooling over rings in the mall through the jewelry shops windows, so I know kind of exactly what she wants
 
giovannidc said:
I phoned the dad up and asked if I could quickly come see him at his work. I then took him some biltong as a peace offering and told him I loved his daughter and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and that I want to ask her to marry me and that I'd feel honored if he would give his blessing.

It went pretty well and he gave me some advice on being married and what it means to be a husband.

Surprisingly, my dad was a bit upset that I didn't come speak to him.
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Good advice, I might do something like that rather then taking them out alone, things might get awkward
I haven't even thought about flying it by my parents thanks for the heads up!!
 
Carol35 said:
Its just me and i don't mean to be a douche, but 25 is too young to be thinking of marriage and 2 years not long enough to be sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person!
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no man, not a douche at all, you see, a lot of my friends, already have kids and is married, I for one would like to have that and the privileges that comes with it... nudge nudge wink wink...! but mainly its because I love my GF very much
 
jacodebeer said:
no man, not a douche at all, you see, a lot of my friends, already have kids and is married, I for one would like to have that and the privileges that comes with it... nudge nudge wink wink...! but mainly its because I love my GF very much
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"But maaaa, all my friends are married and have kids!!!"
 
lcbxx said:
Was thinking the same thing..not because of the OP's age but because he comes across as being quite uncertain of himself..
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you are right, I do feel a bit uncertain, but only regarding our age, my mother asked me when we first started dating that is this the girl I would like to marry and my first answer was definitely a yes!
 
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