I've been depressed for the last six months. It comes and goes. Nobody understands. I've been heavily self-destructive in my personal life. The people I associate with only makes me feel worse, as nobody seems to give a **** even though I give a **** about them. I try to meet new people, but I tend to shove them aside when they get close. I've never been as distant from my family as I have been this year, even though they're right there for me; they do not know that I'm suffering.
I get anxiety attacks where my heart just keeps pounding and I feel nauseous. I have limited amounts of hunger. It's negatively affecting my ability to do work on the really bad days, but on the less bad days I actually wish I had more work to keep my mind off of it. When I do something enjoyable I get bad empty feelings in my stomach every now and then out of nowhere; many things I found enjoyable in the past I just don't want to make the effort to pursue. I don't even drink, even though I love alcohol - there's just no reason to make the effort.
I've recently moved out on my own - which has both positively and negatively influenced me. The distance I was having from my parents when I lived with them was killing me (I used to enjoy watching TV with them, but I became increasingly withdrawn - avoiding them), as was my inability to show weakness to them. Negatively it's obviously different living on your own and you get lonely. Thankfully I have a job to keep me busy.
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I just think the world is against me.
I'll be looking for medical assistance in the new year if it persists or gets worse. I've already lost almost 10kg.
Deal with it sooner rather than later - I went through about a decade of trying to convince myself that I could cope with the situation myself.
If your family are likely to understand and help, then
talk to them about it. If you are in a situation where you have support available, realise you are in an enviable position compared to most.
Anxiety attacks... they ****ing suck, don't they? In the past, a significant contributor on my side was caffeine and the after-effects of alcohol consumption - It's startling just how profound the effect of various foods can be on our mental state. A good area to be aware of what you are taking in, and how it may influence you. In that vein, the depressive power of alcohol is absolutely outrageous. If you are trying to crawl out of a hole, I highly and strongly recommend avoiding it altogether.
The various bad feelings you reference are powerful enough, often, to actually influence your day to day life, in possibly quite negative ways. I know personally how difficult it can be to rationalise those states of minds away, but at the end of the day, they are chemically influenced distortions of reality and this must be kept in mind in light of self destructive behaviour.
As for medical assistance... Try not to put it off. I wasted significant portions of my life trying to deal with this on my own and/or pretending it didn't exist. I'm hesitant (as anyone should be) to recommend you try medication, but I can say with some certainty now that the antidepressant I now take daily makes a profound difference.
I do, to some degree at least, understand. I'm completely happy to talk, if you need an ear, any time (seriously, we can have lunch, whatever). It's very important not to bottle this **** up...
