Depression.

[heartbroken]

Indeed - External situations obviously influence a person's mood, but clinical depression is a chemical **** up of some sort, which has nothing intrinsically to do with external sources. Obviously though, your reaction to what life throws at you is very much coloured by what is going on internally, and serious depression makes it all the more complicated.

Somehow missed this post. But this is the gospel truth. Everybody else might be capable of seeing a colorful rainbow with unicorns jumping about, but a person with clinical depression might just see a grey smudge.

Depression very much screws with your perception of external events. My own experience basically falls into 2 categories, absolute crazy over reaction and not appreciating a good thing. Somehow my depression enhances my experience of bad events. For example, sometimes loosing a customer makes me feel worthless, contemplating shutting down the company and selling house etc and just giving up. Not to say that this is not a bad experience, but being depressed enhances the "badness" of it all. Another time I cut a piece of wood slightly too short, which in itself is just like a R50 blunder, but it made my pack up all my tools and abandon the project. In fact I spent the next day in bed, feeling that if I get up I might just fck something else up.

Other times it makes really cool events feel kind of meh. A while ago I completed a sideline project with someone else and got about 100k in cold hard cash, but instead of feeling blessed and super excited, I got very down because I did not do the project on my own to get the full amount. But this for me most often manifests in a social context. I have quite severe social anxiety and especially talking to strangers gets me. So more often than not I will chat to an awesome person (guy or girl) at a party and instead of seeing it as a victory over my anxiety, I will always bring myself down by saying that they are just being polite or friendly and did not actually enjoy talking to me. Recently met a girl who gave me her number, which I promptly deleted the next morning because I convinced myself that she did it only to seem polite. Obviously she is now banging an outlaw biker while I watch redtube.

The point I am trying to make is, that depression gets you in more ways than one. The most noticeable is feeling down and sad and unhappy, but it does for a fact color your perception and experience of any and all external (and definitely internal) events.

/ends incoherent rambling

 

[Ockie]

I am very very bubbly and hyper today. Staff looking at me funny. I think they realize something has changed. I think doing this was a good decision. I was not sure if I wanted to go this route .... but I think it was the right choice.

 

[Ockie]

Ok, so last post from me I promise.....................in this thread.

I hope this is going to be how I feel on the meds permenently, but it feels like a fog has lifted. Today has been the first clear day I have had in years. Where when I am supposed to be happy....I actually am. When I am chatting to someone at work I am enjoying it, instead of praying to god that this interaction will end as soon as possible so that I can go back to my desk. Today at the mall, I noticed things. I looked around, looking at people. Previously I would look straight ahead straight to my destination, not looking at people or anything just wanting to get where I need to be as quickly as possible and get out again. I actually made eye contact with a guy that was very handsome as we approached each other walking from opposite directions and he looked back at me and I automatically smiled at him. He winked. I cant remember the last time I did that or smiled at someone just walking past me and being friendly and it felt amazing. I am hoping it stays this way and it is not just a fluke, but I think the doc was right in doubling my dosage. I think it is doing its job .... and now it is doing it really well.

 

[Indigogirl]

Ok, so last post from me I promise.....................in this thread.

I hope this is going to be how I feel on the meds permenently, but it feels like a fog has lifted. Today has been the first clear day I have had in years. Where when I am supposed to be happy....I actually am. When I am chatting to someone at work I am enjoying it, instead of praying to god that this interaction will end as soon as possible so that I can go back to my desk. Today at the mall, I noticed things. I looked around, looking at people. Previously I would look straight ahead straight to my destination, not looking at people or anything just wanting to get where I need to be as quickly as possible and get out again. I actually made eye contact with a guy that was very handsome as we approached each other walking from opposite directions and he looked back at me and I automatically smiled at him. He winked. I cant remember the last time I did that or smiled at someone just walking past me and being friendly and it felt amazing. I am hoping it stays this way and it is not just a fluke, but I think the doc was right in doubling my dosage. I think it is doing its job .... and now it is doing it really well.

Hoooooraay!! keep going!

 

[Ockie]

Hoooooraay!! keep going!

Thank you

/blush

Feeling as good as yesterday again today. Feeling a bit hyper and talkative and very excitable. Will have to keep it in check. Could become very irritating to others very quickly I suspect.

But I am so glad I decided to play open cards with my doc and ask for help. There are other physical issues at play here which we have discussed, but she said we will follow up on that on my next follow up after I finish this months supply of Wellbutring and then take it from there if not resolved.

So guys.. ..... if you think or suspect something is not right ......all I can say is play open cards with your doc....ask for help.

 

[Garson007]

I've finally accepted that my depression is personal, not due to outside factors and has been ongoing for almost a decade.

Now, if I only I actually did something about it.

 

[Ockie]

I've finally accepted that my depression is personal, not due to outside factors and has been ongoing for almost a decade.

Now, if I only I actually did something about it.

Well, you have now realized that that something is not right and acknowledged it. Now speak to your GP about it and go through your options.

 

[D3nz]

I've finally accepted that my depression is personal, not due to outside factors and has been ongoing for almost a decade.

Now, if I only I actually did something about it.

So do something about it Apathy is part of the illness.

 

[Indigogirl]

I've finally accepted that my depression is personal, not due to outside factors and has been ongoing for almost a decade.

Now, if I only I actually did something about it.

First step in the healing process - often the biggest step of all!
What Ockie says....

 

[Ockie]

First step in the healing process - often the biggest step of all!
What Ockie says....

Ja...but the frame of mind can just make you not care about sorting out. Loss of interest. That is why I did not go back to my GP when he told me to come back if the meds he gave me to sort out my other problem did not work so that we can take it form there. I just couldnt be bothered. Only reason I forced myself to go now and do something about it is because my logic told me that I am a young guy of 32 and what you are experiencing is not NORMAL! And knowing what I was like before this I knew something has happened and I HAVE to try and find out what it is and how to fix it. I knew my personality also changed and I had to put up a front now as opposed to what I was actually feeling, or not feeling to be more accurate. I actually for a long time thought I am just turning into a dull emotionally stunted twat that really dont have a interest in others or their lives. But ja, lack of interest is a issue in actually just getting your arse to the doctor.

 

[Gezza]

I've been diagnosed with depression at the age of 15 by a GP after filling in a A5 flyer. Such genius for him to diagnose I have depression from that tiny bit of info. Anyway, he prescribed me Nuzac (The lighter prozac) and I was on that for four years after which I decided just not to take it any more.

Bad Idea from my part as I became a very short tempered person. A couple of years after that I went to see a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bi-polar and hit me up with 150mg Venlor. Zombie mode ensued. I wasn't short tempered any more but I wasn't happy either. Paying a crap ton of money to these quacks and I'm not getting better.

My father was diagnosed with depression a long time ago and went to the same Psychiatrist who kept on prescribing him new meds. He past away in Jan this year (Non related, Cancer) and was taking 30+ tablets a day. When he was in hospital, my mom asked his doctor to please have a look at the pills he is taking as it is just too much. The doctor ended up removing all but 2 of the tablets.

I do have a point to my story...

After my dad passed away I decided to go off of my meds and sort out my issues. First I needed to work out what those issues were (obviously, duh). For my dad it was money. Always money. He didn't have a cent in debt but he still worried about money. He would get up at 5am, sit in front of his laptop and do his budget for two hours. EVERY DAY! That would drive any person insane.

Now, I'm no doctor and won't claim my way is the right way. But you all should at least think about it.

Psychiatrists do NOT help you with your issues. They only help you block them out with medication. Guess what. The issue is still there, you're just not as focused on it any more. You'll feel amazing on these meds and then a month down the line you'll find yourself in a massive dip. Worrying about the same issues that caused you being depressed in the first place.

My biggest worry was the same as my Dads. Money. And every day since I went off of my meds I've been training myself to rather think of solutions instead of getting stressed about it.

I'm not 100% cured or anything and still have a short string...but I am still in the progress of healing myself and it is getting better every single day.

If you want to see a psychiatrist, go right ahead. No one will stop you and they could possibly help you...for a crap ton of money of course and pumping you full of drugs that you don't really need. I would rather try a psychologist first and let them help you find your issues so that you can deal with them. Instead of just blocking it out.

Lots of typing and probably a ton of grammar issues...my bad.

I have a condition, yes. I am also dealing with it directly, instead of forgetting about it. It has really helped me a lot. It is something you need to work on every single day.

 

[Garson007]

I don't trust a GP for this.

I have however realised that while I need CBT, I need drugs too. I say this because I don't believe fixing my self-worth alone will enable me to handle fears and failures (and my biggest fear - the fear of failure).

My fear is that the drugs will change me. I am utterly apathetic and have been for many years. I have no passion. I have no personality. What I do have is obsession. Obsession, logical, apathetic and out of the box thinking is what makes me good at what I do in the first place. Of course obscuring the fact that I don't dive right into the implementation of the solution because I fear failing.

Like Gezza, I have an obsession with my financial reality - even though I've never been more well off. In fact, I went over to a Discovery Comprehensive plan this year for my medical aid - so that I can get adequate help for my anxiety and to avoid having to face a financial reality where I can't pay my (non-existent) medical bills. I think I've been to the doctor twice this year - and only to pick up a sick note.

 

[Indigogirl]

Ja...but the frame of mind can just make you not care about sorting out. Loss of interest. .... But ja, lack of interest is a issue in actually just getting your arse to the doctor.

Yes - very true. But until one recognises it - nothing can really be done.

Take the next step Garson007 - it is really worth it!

 

[Indigogirl]

I don't trust a GP for this.

I have however realised that while I need CBT, I need drugs too. I say this because I don't believe fixing my self-worth alone will enable me to handle fears and failures (and my biggest fear - the fear of failure).

My fear is that the drugs will change me. I am utterly apathetic and have been for many years. I have no passion. I have no personality. What I do have is obsession. Obsession, logical, apathetic and out of the box thinking is what makes me good at what I do in the first place. Of course obscuring the fact that I don't dive right into the implementation of the solution because I fear failing.

Like Gezza, I have an obsession with my financial reality - even though I've never been more well off. In fact, I went over to a Discovery Comprehensive plan this year for my medical aid - so that I can get adequate help for my anxiety and to avoid having to face a financial reality where I can't pay my (non-existent) medical bills. I think I've been to the doctor twice this year - and only to pick up a sick note.

Many of the new-generation drugs are very different from the old zombie-creators. The selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), for example, really worked for me. Sometimes - just a year or two on them is enough to swing the process around.

 

[Garson007]

Thing is. I still function. I do my job. I get my increases. I still get laid. I still dine out. I still gain and lose friends. I fear I'm just going to waste the psychiatrist's and psychologist's time when there are people out there with actual problems.

 

[Indigogirl]

Thing is. I still function. I do my job. I get my increases. I still get laid. I still dine out. I still gain and lose friends. I fear I'm just going to waste the psychiatrist's and psychologist's time when there are people out there with actual problems.

Functional depression is still depression.

 

[Ockie]

Thing is. I still function. I do my job. I get my increases. I still get laid. I still dine out. I still gain and lose friends. I fear I'm just going to waste the psychiatrist's and psychologist's time when there are people out there with actual problems.

I was also still functional. Did my job etc. I was not a hermit and still went out and did my stuff that needed to be done. But mine did affect me in a physical way though. Lucky you dont have that problem. But just because you are functional does not mean your problem does not matter. There is no reason why you should just be functional when you can live life and actually get joy out of it.

 

[Ockie]

Guys, have any of you switched from one anti depressant to another straight? I think I might ask my doc when I see her on my follow up if I can switch to Cipralex or something. I had a day of anxiety that I never want again. It felt like I was in permanent flight or fight mode (still am bit sister made me down two stresams that she had left over from when she was on Wellburtin)

Is this possible? Or will I have to come off Wellbutrin first?

 

[Garson007]

I had a day of anxiety that I never want again. It felt like I was in permanent flight or fight mode.

Cripes, that doesn't sound good. That's my problem as it is already. Don't need more of it.

Can I go to just a ER doctor? I'm tired of kicking down the can and giving up because I can't get a booking from X Y Z and I'm reluctant to speak on a phone about this.

I just want an easy ****ing solution to get the ball rolling, but it doesn't seem like there are any.

 

[Ockie]

Cripes, that doesn't sound good. That's my problem as it is already. Don't need more of it.

Can I go to just a ER doctor? I'm tired of kicking down the can and giving up because I can't get a booking from X Y Z and I'm reluctant to speak on a phone about this.

I just want an easy ****ing solution to get the ball rolling, but it doesn't seem like there are any.

I think it might be a Wellburtin thing. The anxiety seemed to go after she doubled my dose, but now it seems to be back, and it hit hard today. What my sister gave me seemed to have calmed it...but I have also been drinking some wine and trying to just calm the fck down. I think my adrenal glans must look like little raisins after today.

I doubt a ER doc would give it to you. You going to have at least a conversation with the doc, and then when they do give you something, they are going to want to follow up with you and see how you doing on the meds. You cant do that with a ER doc. Just speak to your GP. Someone you are familiar with.