The OP said 3 times on different occasions.
BS. She broke up to screw around!
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- Thread starter Problemo
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The OP said 3 times on different occasions.
I don't take well to cheating. My parents were divorced after 33 years of marriage due to another woman and my dad going for her.
I can forgive the world, but a cheater doesn't have my forgiveness. She slept with the other guy 3 times. Not once and learnt her lesson, 3 times
What you still dont realise, its NOT CHEATING. your parents were married, ur dad cheated during their marriage. She slept with someone after breaking up with her boyfriend. Was it wrong? a little too soon? Probably, was it cheating? NO.
Was she trying to use sex as a rebound / get over relationship? Maybe. I knew a girl that did that, in fact, i was the rebound type guy. She loved her ex like you cannot believe but there were issues there. She used to try use sex and intimacy with someone else to prove she could move on etc etc
Its messed up, but it happens
unskinnybob
Expert Member
You guys attach WAY TOO MUCH emotion to sex. Watch a couple of episodes of californication. It's just a shag.
If she had cheated, i would agree, kick her ass to the curb and take a polaroid of her tears as you slam the door.
But what you are sayin gis broad speculation. If she wanted to sleep around she surely could have just cheated? Or not told him?
I have to concede that you are a much better man than I am if you take this woman back. All the best to you man.
Kick her out mate. If they do it once, nothing will stop them from doing it again. My cousin had the same thing happen to him. Only thing is he actually took her back 3 times, and what happened in the end u ask?? She went with the other guys. She is obviously not completely urs and will never be. Don't hurt your feelings anymore bud, there are plenty fish in the sea. I know it's hard now and you feel like everything is going for a ball of ****, but it will all soon be better. Similar thing happened to me and my ex. We were together for 3 years, living together, getting ready to get married and everything. Started fighting and fighting just got worse. Ended up breaking up and I must tell you, what I have now is 200x better than her. Now engaged to the love of my life. The one the previous person should have been, so not looking back one day and just seeing it as things that happen in life.
Good luck bud, all will work out eventually.
Good luck bud, all will work out eventually.
Pavan
Expert Member
I once was told, that when a woman is truly in love with a man, she can't think of being with anyone else... Numerous female friends of mine have confirmed this sentiment, and strangely they can't understand how a man who truly loves his woman can cheat so easily. In my honest opinion, please ditch her dude... You deserve the best (if you've given everything) and she's far from the best. I mean really - sleeping with him THREE times??
I'm getting a bit over agitated with myself. (stems from my background, parents etc.) I'll leave this thread to others now. All the best.
And if she did? So what... She was still single.... if she however didn't break up and was still in a relationship, then its cheating.
She ended the relationship - had sex with some dude - went back to OP and had sex with him... at no stage has she re-entered into the relationship. You're confusing sex and a committed relationship.
I understand this. I'm not mad she 'cheated as you say' she didn't. I know this. My rational side knows this.
My irrational side however wants to beat the guys face in. I know somewhere deep deep down (in the far corners of my anguish) that it took big cahones for her to tell me and risk losing me as a friend even. On the other hand I have to think that the fact that she slept with him for 3 different times, that is premeditated (and I can't rule it down to being drunk and forgive etc). I also have to live with the fact that she pissed on my / our memory after 3 years as much as she's adamant she didn't and doesn't want to lose me. I'm just hurting right now, the rage will either be fueled or die. Time will tell.
I still love her even after this. I just detest that she could put me through this. I had my chances to sleep with other woman, but out of respect and time I turned them down. Little did I know that it wasn't recriprocated. She knows i'm a hard guy, cross me and I'll cut you off. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. So she must of known to hurt me would end up like this. Even though she was crying last night and trying to hold me and ask for forgiveness I couldn't let up. The tempest in me is loose and I need time.
My irrational side however wants to beat the guys face in. I know somewhere deep deep down (in the far corners of my anguish) that it took big cahones for her to tell me and risk losing me as a friend even. On the other hand I have to think that the fact that she slept with him for 3 different times, that is premeditated (and I can't rule it down to being drunk and forgive etc). I also have to live with the fact that she pissed on my / our memory after 3 years as much as she's adamant she didn't and doesn't want to lose me. I'm just hurting right now, the rage will either be fueled or die. Time will tell.
I still love her even after this. I just detest that she could put me through this. I had my chances to sleep with other woman, but out of respect and time I turned them down. Little did I know that it wasn't recriprocated. She knows i'm a hard guy, cross me and I'll cut you off. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. So she must of known to hurt me would end up like this. Even though she was crying last night and trying to hold me and ask for forgiveness I couldn't let up. The tempest in me is loose and I need time.
Good luck to you whatever you do, I know I would have kicked her out of my life.
ChilliGirl
PopCornPeddler
Firstly I cannot say that I would have done what she did or will not do that...
You have to calm a little & think. Yes she had sex 3 times with another guy. Rather than count the number of occassions count the number of people.
If I read what you have written & how you have written it, I can't help but feel that there has been much that has hurt you both. That could have been her way of trying to get rid of the hurt. Clearly it did not work for her.
She should just have been woman enough to accept what she did & carry it by herself rather than compromise the relationship further. It's time for both of you to stop hurting eachother.
As has been suggested- go see a relationship guru & work through your(read both) problems. After that if one or both of you feel that you can't be together then at least you both know you have tried your(each of you) best.
Personally I have had guys I were not in a relationship with at the time. But then again I was also not freshly out of a recent relationship & the guy knew it was what it was. We were both single every time & never promised eachother nothing. Neither he nor I even tried getting together while in a relationship with other people.
I have been with my current partner for years already. That other guy & I still contact eachother on xmas & birthdays. We are friends after all. He now sits in another country. Funnily enough his wife & I talk more to eachother than him & I do. (This happened on/off for 4 years, each a few BFs/GFs later)
/waits to get flamed for what I just said
You have to calm a little & think. Yes she had sex 3 times with another guy. Rather than count the number of occassions count the number of people.
If I read what you have written & how you have written it, I can't help but feel that there has been much that has hurt you both. That could have been her way of trying to get rid of the hurt. Clearly it did not work for her.
She should just have been woman enough to accept what she did & carry it by herself rather than compromise the relationship further. It's time for both of you to stop hurting eachother.
As has been suggested- go see a relationship guru & work through your(read both) problems. After that if one or both of you feel that you can't be together then at least you both know you have tried your(each of you) best.
Personally I have had guys I were not in a relationship with at the time. But then again I was also not freshly out of a recent relationship & the guy knew it was what it was. We were both single every time & never promised eachother nothing. Neither he nor I even tried getting together while in a relationship with other people.
I have been with my current partner for years already. That other guy & I still contact eachother on xmas & birthdays. We are friends after all. He now sits in another country. Funnily enough his wife & I talk more to eachother than him & I do. (This happened on/off for 4 years, each a few BFs/GFs later)
/waits to get flamed for what I just said
ChilliGirl
PopCornPeddler
you sweetness need to remember that each person handles stresses & strains in different ways. You certainly seem to judge a woman sleeping with one-night-stands ( a few of them ) more harshly than you would a man.
She did say she did it because she was angry with me and confused. She claims she's not proud of it but she's a very hard girl and won't let herself feel bad for things she's done. She tries to live with no regret. This makes it worse for me because she won't hate herself for what she did, she did it and will only say sorry (if that makes sense).
She's strong in the broken places. I'm treading water right now, just started a new job 3 weeks ago and I'm going to struggle to cope with this, but cope I will. I just need to vent - even if to strangers. I feel betrayed (I know I don't have right to single etc etc) not so much in relationship but in terms of memory.
I think my memory of her / time spent is worth more than me jumping in to bed with the first person I see, but that's just me. My coping mechanisms aren't hers and i'm a big enough boy to realize that. However that being said I don't want this to make me jaded and cynical and hate all woman, even with my rage I don't think thats fair. I don't want to have to wonder if the next woman will cheat. I'm not a policeman, never wanted to be, never will be. I try to trust implicitly and maybe that's my fault. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I give you a chance, burn me and I walk away.
She's strong in the broken places. I'm treading water right now, just started a new job 3 weeks ago and I'm going to struggle to cope with this, but cope I will. I just need to vent - even if to strangers. I feel betrayed (I know I don't have right to single etc etc) not so much in relationship but in terms of memory.
I think my memory of her / time spent is worth more than me jumping in to bed with the first person I see, but that's just me. My coping mechanisms aren't hers and i'm a big enough boy to realize that. However that being said I don't want this to make me jaded and cynical and hate all woman, even with my rage I don't think thats fair. I don't want to have to wonder if the next woman will cheat. I'm not a policeman, never wanted to be, never will be. I try to trust implicitly and maybe that's my fault. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I give you a chance, burn me and I walk away.
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Venomous
Honorary Master
Thank you! Someone that understands.
RustyPrincess
Expert Member
Her sleeping around after you broke up is the least of your concerns if you decide to get back together. Couples who break up usually do so for a reason, and that reason will more than likely raise its head again if you do get back together - then a year from now you will be posting the same thread - even more hurt. Move on - the relationship is over.
Xrapidx - while I fundamentally agree with you I know that she ****ed me around by telling me things like she's not in the headspace for anyone right now and that i'm the only one for her and she just needs time to be in her space etc.
Thats not cool, my heartstrings aren't harpstrings and they can't be played...
Thats not cool, my heartstrings aren't harpstrings and they can't be played...
Pavan
Expert Member
Problemo, it also sounds as if you've made your mind up... Stick to it, be strong, and embrace the new 'single' life in which ever ways you can...
Venomous
Honorary Master
I can't help but feel that things have been hard for her in the past. Somehow things have gone wrong because despite her saying she lives without regret she does perhaps have just that regret.
The problem here is that she seems to be repeating a cycle of regret with a different regret to before.
A new job
nice. For now I recommend that you look after that brand spanking new job. With time ( a few weeks at least) you will calm down & be able to think about this without the anger. You will then be able to decide how to is the way forward. No relationship with her, a relationship, a relationship with a 3rd party help to solve problems.
She has to look at her past & work through that.
You will both be able to find happiness again be it with or without eachother.
If you are prepared to give her even just a half a chance start with things like meeting in public places for coffee, thus not allowing for an opportunity to "take things further". Then with time move along. Get to know eachother. If you wish to get married it's best to know everything about eachother, even those things we don't want others to know.
The problem here is that she seems to be repeating a cycle of regret with a different regret to before.
A new job
nice. For now I recommend that you look after that brand spanking new job. With time ( a few weeks at least) you will calm down & be able to think about this without the anger. You will then be able to decide how to is the way forward. No relationship with her, a relationship, a relationship with a 3rd party help to solve problems. She has to look at her past & work through that.
You will both be able to find happiness again be it with or without eachother.
If you are prepared to give her even just a half a chance start with things like meeting in public places for coffee, thus not allowing for an opportunity to "take things further". Then with time move along. Get to know eachother. If you wish to get married it's best to know everything about eachother, even those things we don't want others to know.
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Sheesh, not even once did somebody suggest "Keep sex for marriage"?
That's the interesting thing - the standard in this thread seems to be "sex is meant for a relationship, else somebody will get hurt". However, then there's the fight over whether he/she was in a relationship. Now, if they kept sex for marriage, then this wouldn't have been a problem at all - most people are fairly certain whether they are married or not!
I might be old-school, but I'm guessing there would be a whole lot less hurt if this rule was followed. And yes, you could try and get to the point of saying "see sex as just sex", but the fact is, it WILL be an emotional and intimate thing for most people, ALWAYS.
@Problemo - sorry buddy, my comments are not really helping your case. Sorry you got hurt!
That's the interesting thing - the standard in this thread seems to be "sex is meant for a relationship, else somebody will get hurt". However, then there's the fight over whether he/she was in a relationship. Now, if they kept sex for marriage, then this wouldn't have been a problem at all - most people are fairly certain whether they are married or not!
I might be old-school, but I'm guessing there would be a whole lot less hurt if this rule was followed. And yes, you could try and get to the point of saying "see sex as just sex", but the fact is, it WILL be an emotional and intimate thing for most people, ALWAYS.
@Problemo - sorry buddy, my comments are not really helping your case. Sorry you got hurt!