Is DIVORCE really that bad when...

Tamagotchi said:
The thing is well, the counsilor asked if we have power struggle, but something(can't remember) got in the way of a response.
Its hard for me think of her with someone else, there's where the low esteem plays a big role. I see myself as nothing without her.
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I think you might have been emotionally abused. I could be wrong.
 
Klipspringer said:
Have balls ; don't divorce / chicken out ' this may last a year or two but when its trough it would have been worth it

Its not worth it for your children to grow up without a father ( something like 98 % of men ending up in jail didn't have a relationship with their fathers) so growing up without a dad isn't a good thing; hold on ; treat your wife like a queen and see if she doesn't change ; and tell her you LOVE her apparently they want to hear that as often as possible
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And in that year or two of fighting every day you screw up your child permanantly.
ant_man said:
Staying together is going to cause more problems in the long run, damage to the children
You will find that as man and wife you are not compatible but as Friends you will see eye to eye.
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I went through the same thing as the OP and me and my ex get along very well now.
akescpt said:
no matter what the media says the kids always suffer as a reuslt of the divorce. there is no HAPPY divorce. its a bloody myth. if you can save it, save it for the children. you got married for a reason. try to rediscover that love/passion again.
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Of course there is. I am a very happily divorced man. My son gets love at both me and my ex's houses and he doesn't have to see or hear us fight every day. He has both parents in his life, we just don't live under the same roof.
 
Crowley said:
Of course there is. I am a very happily divorced man. My son gets love at both me and my ex's houses and he doesn't have to see or hear us fight every day. He has both parents in his life, we just don't live under the same roof.
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+1
 
Also please go and see a real professional. In this case it would be a social worker specializing in family and spousal problems and not a mere counseller. The social workers are trained at a much, much higher level and are very effective and practical in their treatment. Any idiot can do a silly counselling diploma but social workers are degreed professionals
 
AlmightyBender said:
Also please go and see a real professional. In this case it would be a social worker specializing in family and spousal problems and not a mere counseller. The social workers are trained at a much, much higher level and are very effective and practical in their treatment. Any idiot can do a silly counselling diploma but social workers are degreed professionals
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We went to phd'd psychologist.
 
Crowley said:
And in that year or two of fighting every day you screw up your child permanantly.

I went through the same thing as the OP and me and my ex get along very well now.

Of course there is. I am a very happily divorced man. My son gets love at both me and my ex's houses and he doesn't have to see or hear us fight every day. He has both parents in his life, we just don't live under the same roof.
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my concern is not with your happiness. its with the child. the problems play out later in life. good luck to your son.
 
akescpt said:
my concern is not with your happiness. its with the child. the problems play out later in life. good luck to your son.
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I guess getting more love and attention from both parents than he would have gotten in a household where there his parents are always fighting will really screw him up in some way.
 
Crowley said:
I guess getting more love and attention from both parents than he would have gotten in a household where there his parents are always fighting will really screw him up in some way.
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you are not there all the time. thats the problem.
 
Whether couples who fight stay together or divorce, not many of them consider the effect on their children. It's all very well for you to go for counselling and sort your lives out, but it's only when your kid becomes a teen and he/she starts overdoing the normal teenage rebellion, that people realise the children need counselling as well.
 
akescpt said:
you are not there all the time. thats the problem.
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Actually he stays with me so I am there pretty much all the time. His mother stays in the same complex as we do so he visits her whenever he feels like it.
MsDenz said:
Whether couples who fight stay together or divorce, not many of them consider the effect on their children. It's all very well for you to go for counselling and sort your lives out, but it's only when your kid becomes a teen and he/she starts overdoing the normal teenage rebellion, that people realise the children need counselling as well.
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I agree with this and my son did go for counselling.

Obviously I would have preferred to stay married but things just didn't work out that way. All I am saying is that sometimes it is better to let go and get on with your life than it is to hang around and prolong the inevitable.
 
akescpt said:
my concern is not with your happiness. its with the child. the problems play out later in life. good luck to your son.
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I'm sure his kid will be just fine. Rather two happily divorced parents than a fscked up home life with everybody under one roof.
 
Just a fairly obvious observation which might already have been made: if you hope to salvage a relationship the two of you need to learn (or be taught) how to fight. Your tactics for conflict resolution don't seem at all compatible.
 
HapticSimian said:
Just a fairly obvious observation which might already have been made: if you hope to salvage a relationship the two of you need to learn (or be taught) how to fight. Your tactics for conflict resolution don't seem at all compatible.
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That's what I said previously, the fights last as long untill someone(ME) submits. Whether I'm right or wrong. I can't keep fighting for weeks on end. As I said I'm a rational person and don't always need to be right.
I think I get the silent treatment as punishment and to punish her I go on drinking binges and then she occupies the higher ground.
I still think that if was resolved earlier the rollercoaster ,vicious circle, snowball effect can be avoided.
How can I let someone walk all over me for the sake of staying married for the kids, and being scared.
When I told her t get her lawyer, I was full of guts that day but it subsided. Now I'm just fearfull again.
 
HapticSimian said:
Just a fairly obvious observation which might already have been made: if you hope to salvage a relationship the two of you need to learn (or be taught) how to fight. Your tactics for conflict resolution don't seem at all compatible.
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That's what I said previously, the fights last as long untill someone(ME) submits. Whether I'm right or wrong. I can't keep fighting for weeks on end. As I said I'm a rational person and don't always need to be right.
I think I get the silent treatment as punishment and to punish her I go on drinking binges and then she occupies the higher ground.
I still think that if was resolved earlier the rollercoaster ,vicious circle, snowball effect can be avoided.
How can I let someone walk all over me for the sake of staying married for the kids, and being scared.
When I told her t get her lawyer, I was full of guts that day but it subsided. Now I'm just fearfull again.
 
Tamagotchi said:
there's where the low esteem plays a big role. I see myself as nothing without her.
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That's a problem right there. For what reason(s) is your self esteem so low? One thing I've learnt is that most if not all woman are severally put off by men who are needy and clingy and who lack self confidence. Women quickly pick up on this and sometimes take advantage in the beginning but then it becomes something much worse later on.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying you should become a pompous and arrogant arse but your attitude towards her and your general body language should basically tell her "I love and respect you and you are my everything but I don't NEED you to survive." Don't let your wife walk all over you.

I would say you need to pin-point why you have self confidence issues and address that in the process.
 
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HiToKiRi said:
That's a problem right there. For what reason(s) is your self esteem so low? One thing I've learnt is that most if not all woman are severally put off by men who are needy and clingy and who lack self confidence. Women quickly pick up on this and sometimes take advantage in the beginning but then it becomes something much worse later on.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying you should become a pompous and arrogant arse but your attitude towards her and your general body language should basically tell her "I love and respect you and you are my everything but I don't NEED you to survive." Don't let your wife walk all over you.

I would say you need to pin-point why you have self confidence issues and address that in the process.
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Might be that the marriage took its toll on me and the confidence issue slowly creapt in by me being critised so much. Don't get me wrong I'm not perfect. But I think the first time she told she's getting divorced I sank so low that I'm struggling to pick myself up again. At stage instance I came home with a bottle of sparkling wine for us to celebrate the the new years eve and she from nowhere she found a wway to fight bout something. I lleft and went to party at at a friiends house. Return early next morning , after waking up she apologized and I forgave. These days she won't apolagise at all, unless its something blatant like when she slaps me (yes I allowed that) then shed say sorry in the in the morning. This is just a little scenario I'm illustrating here.
 
I dont get the argument of staying together for the sake of the kids. How are you supposed to raise a child properly when both of you are miserable under the same roof. Sometime the best thing for the child is for the parents to call it quits. Thats Life.
 
Sapcat said:
I dont get the argument of staying together for the sake of the kids. How are you supposed to raise a child properly when both of you are miserable under the same roof. Sometime the best thing for the child is for the parents to call it quits. Thats Life.
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Good and well. But then I'll see my kids on a part-time basis. Its sad to let them grow up like this.
 
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