Marriage/Relationship Advice

FlippyCake said:
Oh, when the whole divorce thing was in the air and she had her lawyer ready and estate agents valuing our house, I asked her if there was someone else and she kept denying it, so I said if there is no one else let me look at your phone...…her response "I cant believe it I knew you would do this, so I locked my phone and changed all my passwords"

Now that things are back to normal, her phone is open again....
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ok.. maybe its someone at work or the gym....?

you could always go into gym with her one day for a "bond session"?
 
3WA said:
It is that easy. Decide what you want and go for it. It'll either work or fail. If it fails, there's other hot young pieces.

Also, post pics of both girls.
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Divorce and losing 50% of assets is hard.....if the new woman would work out would it be worthwhile for me....yes without a doubt but nothing in life is guaranteed. Pu$$y quote I know, not trying to have my cake and eat it.
 
CamiKaze said:
You seem to want things your way only. She must not gym or do whatever because it is an annoyance for you... nah bro...
At the end of the day, the both of you will lose yourselves for the mere sake of staying together.
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I know I am coming across as incredibly selfish, not trying to make excuses for that, but she always knew how I felt about these woman who she has now become and she always used to agree with me saying she would never want to look like that, and now she is addicted to gym.
 
Its a difficult one to dissect. Especially here, in this forum. Perhaps knowing there is something wrong and you admitting it is a step toward a better life. I'm gonna ramble on about a few things so bear with me.

Humans are basic creatures, we crave attention and to be needed. Like a moth to flame we are the same when it comes to attention. Now we mustn't mistake attention and desire for love. Its something that needs to be evaluated carefully. Also the idea of a "soul mate" doesn't necessarily depend on what you mentioned. Rather its someone that vibrates on your level (this is a very abstract thing to understand) , someone that when together puts you on a different state of mind. From what I understand, you are getting caught up with the idea of something rather than fully understanding your feelings. Ultimately, if you don't entirely understand you, you cannot fully engage with another person. A person has no right getting involved with someone else until they have worked out exactly what they want... You have to be a complete person (this whole better half crap is utter BS, you complete you and no one else!!!!!! )

Relationships then are a craving to obviously to relate to one another and usually when people are unable to relate or understand is where things break down. Right now (in this culture of Tinder attention seekers etc) where its easier to just give up and give in than to sit down and work at the base of the problem is where things start to get tricky. Of course you haven't done that but already the idea of entertaining another person is paramount in a marriage to being unfaithful.


Openness and honesty are key here, talk talk talk and talk it out. Pick up any of the relationship books or self help books or even therapy and you'll see its about understanding and giving attention and meeting their base needs as much as they need to meet yours. At the end of the day, its your choice and there is always choice. Choose the one that perhaps makes you happy (truly and honestly happy!!!!!!!)
 
ReeceDBN031 said:
ok.. maybe its someone at work or the gym....?

you could always go into gym with her one day for a "bond session"?
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Been with her to gym plenty, def no one at gym. As for work, she works for a multinational from home but travels a lot. She sees her co workers perhaps twice a year
 
FlippyCake said:
Divorce and losing 50% of assets is hard.....if the new woman would work out would it be worthwhile for me....yes without a doubt but nothing in life is guaranteed. Pu$$y quote I know, not trying to have my cake and eat it.
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Well...another life lesson. Get a contract for your next marriage.
 
EMAM said:
GTFO of the marriage...... She's no longer interested in you.

Honest truth.
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Jirrre,...I recall when I was a fragile spring blossom...and a similar truth was uttered : "It's over. You the only one left in your relationship. He has moved on. Best to think of him as dead and move on. Yes, tears...emotion and all that stuff...painful..you not the first and you are not the last to have their heart broken, we all survive...but its over, move on" #truth
 
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There's definitely something you're not seeing here. Wanting a divorce because of work stress seems unlikely. Not being interested in being attractive to you is also interesting. Not saying she's discovered her lesbo side, but I'm obviously not the only one whose mind went there.

Be honest with her about your attraction to this other woman, and try to get her to be honest about what's happening with her. You guys need to have an honest conversation as two adults who have shared their life's together for sometime, without involving family or councillors or whatever. You need to create a situation where you can both tell the truth without fear of being guilted or punished. You guys owe each other that.

As for believing there is/was no one else. A woman will take some shyt to the grave if she thinks the world will hate her for the truth. She could also be willing to lie to save your feelings. You need to forgive her for whatever she might have done, before even knowing what it is, let her know that you have, and let her know you'll keep it to yourself no matter what it is. That's not to say you shouldn't divorce her if necessary, but you are married now, and that means she deserves your loyalty.

I'm not sure I'm explaining what I mean very well here. Your marriage is the two of yours business even if you decide to end it. That means the secrets you two have now should remain between the two of you forever. Anything she tells you should never be a second wife or gfs business.

In summary :

1) be deserving of your wife's trust no matter what.

2) forgive her no matter what.

3) take it from there.
 
Vengeful said:
Its a difficult one to dissect. Especially here, in this forum. Perhaps knowing there is something wrong and you admitting it is a step toward a better life. I'm gonna ramble on about a few things so bear with me.

Humans are basic creatures, we crave attention and to be needed. Like a moth to flame we are the same when it comes to attention. Now we mustn't mistake attention and desire for love. Its something that needs to be evaluated carefully. Also the idea of a "soul mate" doesn't necessarily depend on what you mentioned. Rather its someone that vibrates on your level (this is a very abstract thing to understand) , someone that when together puts you on a different state of mind. From what I understand, you are getting caught up with the idea of something rather than fully understanding your feelings. Ultimately, if you don't entirely understand you, you cannot fully engage with another person. A person has no right getting involved with someone else until they have worked out exactly what they want... You have to be a complete person (this whole better half crap is utter BS, you complete you and no one else!!!!!! )

Relationships then are a craving to obviously to relate to one another and usually when people are unable to relate or understand is where things break down. Right now (in this culture of Tinder attention seekers etc) where its easier to just give up and give in than to sit down and work at the base of the problem is where things start to get tricky. Of course you haven't done that but already the idea of entertaining another person is paramount in a marriage to being unfaithful.


Openness and honesty are key here, talk talk talk and talk it out. Pick up any of the relationship books or self help books or even therapy and you'll see its about understanding and giving attention and meeting their base needs as much as they need to meet yours. At the end of the day, its your choice and there is always choice. Choose the one that perhaps makes you happy (truly and honestly happy!!!!!!!)
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Thanks, that def resonated with me.

Honestly speaking, after my wife asking for a divorce, nothing feels the same. Especially because it was out of the blue, we had been doing great otherwise.

Does my wife make me as happy as I could be right now in life? No! Am I making her as happy as she could be in life right now? No! Do we still support each other and want the best for one another? Yes!
 
Vengeful said:
Ultimately, if you don't entirely understand you, you cannot fully engage with another person. A person has no right getting involved with someone else until they have worked out exactly what they want... You have to be a complete person (this whole better half crap is utter BS, you complete you and no one else!!!!!! )

Choose the one that perhaps makes you happy (truly and honestly happy!!!!!!!)
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This.

Secondly, the one that makes you happy, the new one... don't jump into it. You need to know what the lesser evil is.
 
yebocan said:
Jirrre,...I recall when I was a fragile spring blossom...and a similar truth was uttered : "It's over. You the only one left in your relationship. He has moved on. Best to think of him as dead and move on. Yes, tears...emotion and all that stuff...painful..you not the first and you are not the last to have their heart broken, we all survives...but its over, move on" #truth
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I am def not doing my best right now to make her feel loved, I am still so cut up about her wanting a divorce......its a deep scar
 
Nick333 said:
There's definitely something you're not seeing here. Wanting a divorce because of work stress seems unlikely. Not being interested in being attractive to you is also interesting. Not saying she's discovered her lesbo side, but I'm obviously not the only one whose mind went there.

Be honest with her about your attraction to this other woman, and try to get her to be honest about what's happening with her. You guys need to have an honest conversation as two adults who have shared their life's together for sometime, without involving family or councillors or whatever. You need to create a situation where you can both tell the truth without fear of being guilted or punished. You guys owe each other that.

As for believing there is/was no one else. A woman will take some shyt to the grave if she thinks the world will hate her for the truth. She could also be willing to lie to save your feelings. You need to forgive her for whatever she might have done, before even knowing what it is, let her know that you have, and let her know you'll keep it to yourself no matter what it is. That's not to say you shouldn't divorce her if necessary, but you are married now, and that means she deserves your loyalty.

I'm not sure I'm explaining what I mean very well here. Your marriage is the two of yours business even if you decide to end it. That means the secrets you two have now should remain between the two of you forever. Anything she tells you should never be a second wife or gfs business.

In summary :

1) be deserving of your wife's trust no matter what.

2) forgive her no matter what.

3) take it from there.
Click to expand...
yea.. I recon you should just tell her about the other lady.. maybe the sense of losing you will trigger something.. annnd if it don't.. then be worried
 
TelkomUseless said:
Agreed. I think the guy dumped her. She was ready to jump... (asking for divorce)... and he bailed on her.
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Never thought of it that way....

When she said she would work on things, I asked her why the sudden change of mind from wanting a divorce, she told me the councillor asked her if she was willing to just give up or work hard on something first to see its not working then call it a day and she said she realised the councillor had a point.
 
FlippyCake said:
I am def not doing my best right now to make her feel loved, I am still so cut up about her wanting a divorce......its a deep scar
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man up.. it happens.. sometimes people in general try find ways out.. even though its not the right thing.. they just jump the gun.
our lovely ladies also jump the gun a little faster and a lot harder :whistling:
 
FlippyCake said:
I know right, its scary.

I fought tooth and nail for this marriage and look where I am now.....the universe works in strange ways
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We like to feel attractive, and admired, by someone we are attracted to, and admire. You don't feel that for and from your wife at the moment.

Bare in mind that you probably won't always feel the way you do about chick two. Ask yourself if you want to repeat this cycle until you either settle for whatever you can get or die alone.

Work on your marriage until you are sure it can't be fixed. Marriages will always have ups and downs and if you're willing to bail before you're sure it can't be fixed, you deserve to die alone.
 
ReeceDBN031 said:
man up.. it happens.. sometimes people in general try find ways out.. even though its not the right thing.. they just jump the gun.
our lovely ladies also jump the gun a little faster and a lot harder :whistling:
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Pride....Some are to proud to admit to a mistake.
 
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