Marriage/Relationship Advice

Nick333 said:
There's definitely something you're not seeing here. Wanting a divorce because of work stress seems unlikely. Not being interested in being attractive to you is also interesting. Not saying she's discovered her lesbo side, but I'm obviously not the only one whose mind went there.

Be honest with her about your attraction to this other woman, and try to get her to be honest about what's happening with her. You guys need to have an honest conversation as two adults who have shared their life's together for sometime, without involving family or councillors or whatever. You need to create a situation where you can both tell the truth without fear of being guilted or punished. You guys owe each other that.

As for believing there is/was no one else. A woman will take some shyt to the grave if she thinks the world will hate her for the truth. She could also be willing to lie to save your feelings. You need to forgive her for whatever she might have done, before even knowing what it is, let her know that you have, and let her know you'll keep it to yourself no matter what it is. That's not to say you shouldn't divorce her if necessary, but you are married now, and that means she deserves your loyalty.

I'm not sure I'm explaining what I mean very well here. Your marriage is the two of yours business even if you decide to end it. That means the secrets you two have now should remain between the two of you forever. Anything she tells you should never be a second wife or gfs business.

In summary :

1) be deserving of your wife's trust no matter what.

2) forgive her no matter what.

3) take it from there.
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Yeah, everyone has picked up on the lesbo vibes, when we met I always knew she had an eye for woman, but not so much that she goes full on for them, she has always told me which woman she finds attractive and so on.

Maybe it has turned in to more...I don't know.
 
FlippyCake said:
Yeah, everyone has picked up on the lesbo vibes, when we met I always knew she had an eye for woman, but not so much that she goes full on for them, she has always told me which woman she finds attractive and so on.

Maybe it has turned in to more...I don't know.
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There is your answer.
 
People don't just change.
The influence on other people change them.

I can say this without a shadow of doubt.

My SO and I had some rough patched a few years ago (Happily we've had no issues for years)
There was a time when we were still just dating (about 4 years) she suddenly flipped.
Not surprisingly it happened when an old friend re entered her life (yes a man)
Forward a few months and suddenly she wants to break up.

Was it that guy?
Of course it was.
Did she admit it?
Of course not.

We broke up for 6 months. That guy took the piss within 2 months. Left her out of pocket a couple of grand.

Did she immediately come crawling back?
No.
We both took time to figure out what we really wanted.
Did she return to be the person I knew?
Absolutely. The outside influence was gone.

Was it a mistake to try again? Absolutely not. 6 years after that episode and everything is great.

TL : DR
Is someone changing your wife's behavior? Most definitely.
Is it worth trying to make it work?

In your situation. No. The outside factor is still influencing your wife and now there is someone new influencing you as well.
When both parties are changed by other people it will be very difficult to save.
If I am honest, I do not believe a break from each other will change anything.
It seems like you are both ready to move on.

Move on.
 
FlippyCake said:
Oh and FYI, the new chick and I have been for coffee once at work and are going out for lunch this week.....she just has something over me. I will not cheat on my wife, its just lunch together. Sounds farked I know
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yeah you furked ...just bang her and get it over with

you already half cheating
 
Nick333 said:
We like to feel attractive, and admired, by someone we are attracted to, and admire. You don't feel that for and from your wife at the moment.

Bare in mind that you probably won't always feel the way you do about chick two. Ask yourself if you want to repeat this cycle until you either settle for whatever you can get or die alone.

Work on your marriage until you are sure it can't be fixed. Marriages will always have ups and downs and if you're willing to bail before you're sure it can't be fixed, you deserve to die alone.
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I hear you.

Over the last 6 months there are often times where I feel like I just want to live alone again......I just don't feel the same around her.
 
FlippyCake said:
Divorce and losing 50% of assets is hard.....if the new woman would work out would it be worthwhile for me....yes without a doubt but nothing in life is guaranteed. Pu$$y quote I know, not trying to have my cake and eat it.
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Ooooph, no pre-nup. Living life on hard mode.
 
ReeceDBN031 said:
yea.. I recon you should just tell her about the other lady.. maybe the sense of losing you will trigger something.. annnd if it don't.. then be worried
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Don't do it as emotional blackmail. Do it for the sake of being 100% honest.

It's not that I'd even recommend total honesty in all scenarios, it's just that the OP obviously needs some closure on the near divorce. I'm suggesting honesty from him as a means to elicit honesty from her.

I'm not even saying he come right out and tell her about it. I'm saying he should be willing to be that honest. The most important thing to do is to create trust between the two of them, taking another woman out to lunch is the opposite of that.

Actually what he should do is stop pursuing the other woman completely. He needs to nip that in the bud, so that it's not even a consideration, then tell his wife about it. He needs to resolve his marriage first and foremost. Abandoning a marriage in an unresolved state doesn't bode well for future relationships.
 
FlippyCake said:
Yeah, everyone has picked up on the lesbo vibes, when we met I always knew she had an eye for woman, but not so much that she goes full on for them, she has always told me which woman she finds attractive and so on.

Maybe it has turned in to more...I don't know.
Click to expand...
You need to find out.
 
Beyond.Celsus said:
People don't just change.
The influence on other people change them.

I can say this without a shadow of doubt.

My SO and I had some rough patched a few years ago (Happily we've had no issues for years)
There was a time when we were still just dating (about 4 years) she suddenly flipped.
Not surprisingly it happened when an old friend re entered her life (yes a man)
Forward a few months and suddenly she wants to break up.

Was it that guy?
Of course it was.
Did she admit it?
Of course not.

We broke up for 6 months. That guy took the piss within 2 months. Left her out of pocket a couple of grand.

Did she immediately come crawling back?
No.
We both took time to figure out what we really wanted.
Did she return to be the person I knew?
Absolutely. The outside influence was gone.

Was it a mistake to try again? Absolutely not. 6 years after that episode and everything is great.

TL : DR
Is someone changing your wife's behavior? Most definitely.
Is it worth trying to make it work?

In your situation. No. The outside factor is still influencing your wife and now there is someone new influencing you as well.
When both parties are changed by other people it will be very difficult to save.
If I am honest, I do not believe a break from each other will change anything.
It seems like you are both ready to move on.

Move on.
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Wow that's quite something man, glad you guys are happy as can be and sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes these things happen to let us know what we actually value
 
I.am.Sam said:
yeah you furked ...just bang her and get it over with

you already half cheating
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I will not cross that line while I am married, that I just cant do.

Half cheating, yeah I guess you right but no reason for me to go and screw it up more than it already is just to sleep with someone.
 
1. Once a woman starts making major changes in her appearance and the physical contact becomes less and less, its her way of slowly checking out of the relationship.

2. Either both of you (you and your wife) commit 100% to your marriage, or you guys should divorce. You can't have a one sided marriage.

3. Meeting this new girl just for coffee and/or lunch is very dangerous. You are not doing yourself any favours if you are planning to stay with your wife. Now it looks like you are starting to mess around behind her back and that can come back to bite you if the divorce gets nasty.
 
FlippyCake said:
I will not cross that line while I am married, that I just cant do.

Half cheating, yeah I guess you right but no reason for me to go and screw it up more than it already is just to sleep with someone.
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Just remember, that whatever your wife may have done, two wrongs don't make a right. You behaving badly (and you already) is only going to make the situation worse. Be a man and resolve to do the right and honorable thing no matter what.
 
Nick333 said:
Don't do it as emotional blackmail. Do it for the sake of being 100% honest.

It's not that I'd even recommend total honesty in all scenarios, it's just that the OP obviously needs some closure on the near divorce. I'm suggesting honesty from him as a means to elicit honesty from her.

I'm not even saying he come right out and tell her about it. I'm saying he should be willing to be that honest. The most important thing to do is to create trust between the two of them, taking another woman out to lunch is the opposite of that.

Actually what he should do is stop pursuing the other woman completely. He needs to nip that in the bud, so that it's not even a consideration, then tell his wife about it. He needs to resolve his marriage first and foremost. Abandoning a marriage in an unresolved state doesn't bode well for future relationships.
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You are 100% correct.

I do tell the other chick that we need to stop messaging and talking and we do......then its one simple message regarding work during the day and before I know it we chatting up a storm again.

I went as far as to stop socialising with the mutual people we know so that we would not be together anywhere but then the messaging and chatting just reaches a new level.

And not once have we ever done any sexting or anything of that nature, its just good mutual conversation as we have so much in common, never have I met anyone that I have so much in common with on the same level as me
 
livw88 said:
1. Once a woman starts making major changes in her appearance and the physical contact becomes less and less, its her way of slowly checking out of the relationship.

2. Either both of you (you and your wife) commit 100% to your marriage, or you guys should divorce. You can't have a one sided marriage.

3. Meeting this new girl just for coffee and/or lunch is very dangerous. You are not doing yourself any favours if you are planning to stay with your wife. Now it looks like you are starting to mess around behind her back and that can come back to bite you if the divorce gets nasty.
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I agree with all 3 of your pints 100%.

Think it best to cancel the lunch.
 
FlippyCake said:
Divorce and losing 50% of assets is hard.....if the new woman would work out would it be worthwhile for me....yes without a doubt but nothing in life is guaranteed. Pu$$y quote I know, not trying to have my cake and eat it.
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Are you married in Community or out?
 
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