money problems with girls

[winner]

Don't worry winner, I understand completely where you're coming from and I think all these people attacking you and calling you immature are actually being morons. There's nothing wrong with you worrying about this and I actually think it shows a lot of maturity on your side.

Was in a similar situation last year, but from the other side. I was kinda sorta seeing someone who had just started working and earning a great salary and I was a student surviving on between R1000-R1500 a month, with my food, electricity, laundry and everything else coming out of that. We always had to do things that could fit my budget. He offered to pay for me for more expensive things on a few occasions but I always declined, because I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if he paid for my stuff. This meant I often couldn't share in everything he wanted to do. It eventually didn't work out because of this, so I understand completely where you're coming from and I think it's a very valid concern.

To all those telling him he's being materialistic and that if he really liked her he would take her in, have you considered how she would feel about that? She would have to become financially dependent on someone else and then become a drain on his resources. Don't you think this would likely make her very uncomfortable? That she might feel a bit like her pride has been diminished? And what happens if 6 months down the line the OP realises the relationship isn't going to work out and they break up? Must he then kick her out on the curb or let her stay with him and continue paying for her until she can find a place of her own again? Because that won't be uncomfortable at all...

It's very easy to sit in our armchairs and say OP must take her in and support her, but it's not that easy in reality.

OP, if you want things to get serious between you two, the best advice is to sit her down and talk to her about it. She might feel offended by it, but tell her how you feel about the situation and hear how she feels about it. It's important to get the issue out of the way early on, because it can ruin the relationship later on.

Thanks for sharing your experience. LOL and you are right about how uncomfortable the topic is. If you dont mind me asking, who decided to break up with who in your relationship and what were the reasons.

 

[SauRoNZA]

Learn to share what you have with the person you love. It's a team effort.

Otherwise move on because you'll never be happy.

 

[winner]

Over your lifetime it will work out cheaper to stay single and pay for sex when the need arises...

LOl the great Charlie Harper once said " If you got someone to clean your house and do your laundry, and you get some action on regular basis then the only reason to get married is if you get some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff". But personally il pass.

 

[Zewp]

Thanks for sharing your experience. LOL and you are right about how uncomfortable the topic is. If you dont mind me asking, who decided to break up with who in your relationship and what were the reasons.

Well, we weren't really dating. We were in that pre-dating phase where we did a lot of things together, but with the prospect of a relationship looming on the horizon. So we didn't actually break up, we just drifted apart with this unspoken understanding that things couldn't work out because we were both in different stages of our lives. We still talk from time to time, so maybe in a year or two when I start working myself we can revisit the whole thing.

Either way, enough of my story. I just wanted to say I completely understand where you're coming from and I don't think differences in financial position is the petty concern some people here are making it out to be. Especially because this isn't the 60s anymore, where it was expected of women to be dependent on men paying for them.

Just talk to her about it. No situation is the exact same so maybe you can come to an agreement that suits both of you. It's just very important to have any issues out in the open instead of festering in the back of your mind.

 

[Hamster]

Thats what ive been doing all that time. Despite that, Its not as easy as you think if genuinely care for her. Its not easy to see the person you care about going through life like that when you know the situation is something you can correct but logic dictates that you cant just give your gf money like that. Im not even sure if my rant makes some sort of sense

It does and in my opinion if she has ambition and showing signs of trying to get her career on track there is hope. But if she is isn't going to better herself in this regard and it is something that bothers you - bad luck

 

[w1z4rd]

How old is she?
Is she hot? (you know the rules on this one...)
Is she intelligent?

Im pretty shallow so I have high requirements. I have three essential requirements:

High IQ (when I was young I just dated the hot girls, but was always unhappy because I cant do small talk well and got bored quickly),
Liberal (though that tends to go naturally with the high IQ),
High EQ (its not just about being smart, a partner should be emotionally mature/stable. Person must also be able to caring and compassionate)

Nice to have:

Good looking (I am a guy.... like most guys I like eye candy)
Takes care of herself (this shows pride)
Not religious (too much baggage)
Ambition ( I dont need someone who cooks and cleans up after me. I need a life partner who wants more out of life than just to have babies and become soccer moms).

I recon if you are going to spend your life with someone, dont aim low. Be very picky.

 

[Tinuva]

I agree with Zewp, Winner has actually started to think this through, and is on the right path. Winner, the only single mistake you made, was asking for relationship advice on mybb. It is one thing to ask advice on what to do with your finances on here, but completely something else to ask about relationship advice on here.

That said, I personally believe you should talk with here about it. One of the foundations of a ever lasting relationship, is that no subject is taboo to talk about.

The second important aspect to keep in mind is, while the man is usually the logical thinker in a relationship, you shouldn't be the one that solve her problems, that will only make her, like you less, and could eventually be the start of spiraling down into a relationship that will break up. Keep doing as you have, support her in her decisions, but not financially. If she really wants your help, or anyone's help for that matter, she will ask for it. As long as she doesn't ask for it, don't be a hero and do it for her. What many guys don't realize is, women are more than capable of figuring out themselves what they want and how they want to solve problems. If anything, she might just need your support emotionally and that is it, until she has her career and finances sorted out. Trust me, it will mean A LOT more, than you solving her problems for her, and she ending up never learning how to do it herself. That will make it better for you too, if she ends up the one with you for the rest of your life.

 

[medicnick83]

Unless you want to get serious with her, probably time you broke up with her, because if I was you, I'd probably have asked her to move in, share everything.
That's what couples in relationships do - UNLESS you want out... then just do it.

 

[Zewp]

Unless you want to get serious with her, probably time you broke up with her, because if I was you, I'd probably have asked her to move in, share everything.
That's what couples in relationships do - UNLESS you want out... then just do it.

After they've been dating for a while, maybe...

I certainly hope nobody here makes a habit of moving in with relationship partners when you haven't been dating long or the relationship hasn't gotten serious yet.

 

[Nick333]

After they've been dating for a while, maybe...

I certainly hope nobody here makes a habit of moving in with relationship partners when you haven't been dating long or the relationship hasn't gotten serious yet.

How long is a piece of string? They've been together for 6 months to over a year.

 

[wolverine_dcp]

I've been involved with this girl whom i like. Initially It was not my intention to get attacked but that's how it worked out. So far there aren't any problem except our difference in income. We started dating in my final year of varsity so it wasn't much of a problem then. Now that I am working, and earning way more than she makes, It makes us kind of incompatible in a way. She is hiring a room in someone's backyard and I am renting a nice 2 bedroom apartment, struggles to cover her taxi fares a month and I have my own car. My career has a potential for growth but hers is more of a dead end so the situation is likely to get worse and worse Im sure you get the picture of how our lives are so here is the problem

• Guilt of blowing up money on booze with friends while she is struggling to cover her monthly grocery.
• It becomes hard to share your adventures with such a person.
• I don't wanna take care of an adult. Neither is she asking me to so we cool with that
• Other aspects of the relationship are perfect so breaking up is not an option.
• There is always that lingering thought of suspended gold digging because some of her friends are specialists in that

anyone ever had this problem?

You do realise this is actually the normal with most couples

 

[Nick333]

You do realise this is actually the normal with most couples

Hehe. Actually, it's become less normal and seems to be becoming less so. Feminism has created a world were only the exceptionally successful can afford to support a partner. Two income households have driven inflation and property prices through the roof. It's created a class system and income disparity which is bemoaned by the same sorts of people that created it. The same people are now trying to solve the problem with more misguided social engineering. I won't go so far as to say it's a recipe for disaster but, it will, I think, lead to even more interesting times. But, I digress.

 

[OGroteKoning]

Both of you are seemingly adults. That's when you sit down as adults, talk it out, plan your future stop asking a forum how you should live your life. Money should not be the core issue of a successful relationship, it should be based on love. The rest will sort it out as you grow as a couple.

 

[Batista]

Sounds like your looking for excuses to find someone with higher income to go out with which is pretty shallow & self centered.
Set her free.....If you really felt anything for the girl she'd be living with you instead of in someones backyard.

This^^^.I was in the exact same situation as you ... we getting married end of the year...

 

[Nick333]

This^^^.I was in the exact same situation as you ... we getting married end of the year...

Yeah, yeah. Because it's so easy to judge someone's situation and decide the correct course of action from a couple of paragraphs. The OPs only mistake is looking for advice from complete strangers. What he needs to do is be honest about what he wants and try to find out what his gf wants. That's the only advice of any value he will receive here. Listening to a bunch of people a bunch of people who think their narrow and limited life experiences are typical will get him nowhere.

Taking responsibility for another person is an investment; he is right to be wary. He has the right to know if his investment will be met with the same sort of commitment. The only way he will be able to come to a conclusion is by getting as much information as possible. The only way he will get information is by talking openly and honestly with the other person.

And even if he doesn't want to share his income with this girl, how does that make him self-centred or shallow? It just means he doesn't want to make the investment in this girl at this time.

 

[OrbitalDawn]

OP, what's her opinion on this situation? Have you spoken about it at all?

 

[GoB]

Your problem is that you love money. Stop it and give your money away. Otherwise admit being a money-loving hippy and don't complain about it.

 

[-Prismo-]

This^^^.I was in the exact same situation as you ... we getting married end of the year...

Nice, congratulations ...

I don't think I would have, guilt would have consumed me if she was living in someone else's backyard.

I'd probably speak to her to improve herself because even if you get more serious, you don't want an anchor :/ (hope that doesn't sound ruthless)

 

[maumau]

if you can no longer socialise or do things together because she can't afford it what are you going to do together - sit at home?

i'd move along, 6 moths is nothing.

 

[GhostSixFour]

Also had same situation. Not sure what your issue is.. We've been married for 2years now.