Parenting failure

[OrbitalDawn]

They should be seperate....

You can be expelled from the B.E., but still attend the school...

and if the school is trying to expel a kid for drinking a bit of alcohol, they have a problem.. they will need to expel the majority of the senior 2 years.... I don't see how the school can actually get away with expelling a child for consuming a small quantity of alcohol.

Well I guess they have a no tolerance policy (which is understandable, imo) regarding alcohol in the hostel. Maybe if it was at some dude's house it would have been a bit better? Dunno...

And if you were aware that these are the conditions of your stay then not much you can do about it, I guess. My thinking is they take the other incidents into account when deciding these things.

 

[Pho3nix]

They should be seperate....

You can be expelled from the B.E., but still attend the school...

and if the school is trying to expel a kid for drinking a bit of alcohol, they have a problem.. they will need to expel the majority of the senior 2 years.... I don't see how the school can actually get away with expelling a child for consuming a small quantity of alcohol.

^^ Hostel accomodation is at the schools discretion. So they can expel him from there.
Expelling him from the school though is a whole other matter which need authorization from the Department Of Education.

 

[AfricanTech]

quite honestly, there is nothing wrong with your child. he is a boy and they do things like this. not the car thing mind you but the alcohol. they will experiment with their peers at any chance they get.

my advice though is that you let him stay with you at home. while you may think he won't finish school, force him to finish and get his matric even if he passes with 40% at least he will have it.

perhaps also listen to many of the men here who went through their teen years doing things like this with their friends. listen to your husband's stories as well. remember what you did as a teenager and what you would do to not let your parents know.

all these things your child is doing are things everyone did in their teens only difference is in today's day and age the teens of today seem to get caught out quicker than we did , and we know what we did when we were their age, we just don't want them to know we did it all and didn't get caught.

This.

Bringing up kids today is a tough job - I can see my 11 year old heading the same way and am starting to do expose him to as much as possible to get him to discover an interest allow him to be self-motivating. I've also got him playing team sports since he seems to have a bit of talent and enjoys soccer and cricket.

Good luck Carol.

Pursue the school - maybe the best option is for them to provide you with the learning materials and your son can study at home for the end of year exams.

 

[marine1]

And people ask me why I dont want kids or why I dislike them?
Problem today is and I am not saying for sure that this is what happened here, parents want to be cool and be friends with their kids more than being a parent and a guide for them.
I see this with my friends, they think its cool to let them have a drink at 16, let them do this, let them do that and then wonder why at 18 they are complete **** ups.
I would test him for drugs

 

[ToxicBunny]

^^ Hostel accomodation is at the schools discretion. So they can expel him from there.
Expelling him from the school though is a whole other matter which need authorization from the Department Of Education.

Precisely this...

The school will need to involve the DoE should they wish to expel the pupil from the school itself, and its not something that happens fast.

 

[SoulTax]

Precisely this...

The school will need to involve the DoE should they wish to expel the pupil from the school itself, and its not something that happens fast.

Yep, let him go back to school as a day student. The school is pulling the bulying tactic on you, by saying that he is not welcome back. If it is not official then he is still enrolled there.

On the discipline note. He sounds like he has no boundaries at all. Stealing the car and then pretending like he doesn't know what is wrong. Just understand that he is pretending. He knows how to get away with it, by acting oblivious and "Cute", to your eyes at least. You need to figure out a way to discipline him, he needs consequences that matter to him, as school doesn't seem to matter, find something that he loves and take it away. Keep taking it away. Dont give it back as a reward for not doing bad behaviour. Give it back as a reward for actually going above and beyond.

Does he play sport? Does his dad play sport or do any activity with him? I find that fathers often start off strong in the young years, then stop those activities. Like kicking the ball around and stuff. Things like that help to keep the door open for the father to instil some words of wisdom without it feeling like a lecture. Teenagers hate lectures.

 

[Humberto]

for any parents reading this. Do not put your child on ritalin unles a person with the qualification "MbChB FC Psych" says so

Sorry to be pedantic, but a significant number of psychiatrists will have something like M.Med. (Psych) rather than FC (Psych) written behind their names.

 

[Carol35]

They should be seperate....

You can be expelled from the B.E., but still attend the school...

and if the school is trying to expel a kid for drinking a bit of alcohol, they have a problem.. they will need to expel the majority of the senior 2 years.... I don't see how the school can actually get away with expelling a child for consuming a small quantity of alcohol.

Yep, Orbital is right, its been a series of events that, coupled with the grand finale saw his eviction from the hostel. Im actually ok with that, they are right in their actions. They cannot have a house full of boys doing their own thing. The school is linked to the hostel however, they are not combined but I guess this last stunt had a lot to do with their decision to ask us to remove him. The school works on a point system, you get points for bad behavior/misdemeanors/not doing homework/being disruptive and so forth. When the maximum amount of allowed points is reached, they reassess if its worth having you there. That's where we are.

I have no update as yet, we are waiting for a call back but so far, plan of action is **we cannot/will not remove him as of yet, its detrimental to his future for us to do so at this late stage of the year, we will not be able to find another school to accept him now besides the financial aspect of new uniforms/school books etc, we accept and are behind their decision to expel him from the hostel, we will find alternative accommodation for him to attend the remaining term and then will remove him from the school. If they wish to take the matter further, we can consult with the DoE.** We want to remain amicable and do understand where they are coming from but the timing is bad to the extremes! Lol, there is no plan B in place at the moment if this falls south.

Thanks to everyone for all the comments/advice/opinion and its great to see some of the awesome and decent men here were once little horrors themselves (Grant ). It truly is a comfort.

 

[Albereth]

Judging strangers is always fun.

Okay, mom. Your boy has you wrapped around his little finger. He get's special treatment because he is the only son.

It is fixable - not that anyone is broken.

How you 'fix' it is up to you. There is lots of advice given but really you'll need to find your way.


But I have 2c worth.

My son is struggling with what to do as a career. He asked me what I think he should be. Chartered Accountant is my ready answer. But it isn't about me deciding what is best for him. Sure, I most certainly want what is best but I can't tell him what is best for him.

So we turned it around to being a conversation about what he wanted from life and a career. And then worked backwards to find the careers that could best allow that to happen.

Perhaps this is the conversation that you and your boy need to have. What does he want from life?

I know that we want the straight A's because then we can do anythinig. But anything isn't what we want. And we may not know what we want. It's fine - we can have many careers. But find a timeframe if he doesn't know and work to that.

Let him own his future. You need to support his present.

 

[ToxicBunny]

Yep, Orbital is right, its been a series of events that, coupled with the grand finale saw his eviction from the hostel. Im actually ok with that, they are right in their actions. They cannot have a house full of boys doing their own thing. The school is linked to the hostel however, they are not combined but I guess this last stunt had a lot to do with their decision to ask us to remove him. The school works on a point system, you get points for bad behavior/misdemeanors/not doing homework/being disruptive and so forth. When the maximum amount of allowed points is reached, they reassess if its worth having you there. That's where we are.

I have no update as yet, we are waiting for a call back but so far, plan of action is **we cannot/will not remove him as of yet, its detrimental to his future for us to do so at this late stage of the year, we will not be able to find another school to accept him now besides the financial aspect of new uniforms/school books etc, we accept and are behind their decision to expel him from the hostel, we will find alternative accommodation for him to attend the remaining term and then will remove him from the school. If they wish to take the matter further, we can consult with the DoE.** We want to remain amicable and do understand where they are coming from but the timing is bad to the extremes! Lol, there is no plan B in place at the moment if this falls south.

Thanks to everyone for all the comments/advice/opinion and its great to see some of the awesome and decent men here were once little horrors themselves (Grant ). It truly is a comfort.

Regardless of how the school operates (Their point system etc), for them to expel him is a process that requires the DoE's approval. I can also understand why you want it to be amicable, but at the same time the school has to reciprocate that, and if they're leaving you in limbo and not responding to you in a timely fashion, you need to start playing hardball with them. They are trying to bully you, so you do need to push back to some degree. You also need to make your son intimately aware of all goings on, and make him understand the pain and suffering you as parents are going through to keep him in the school DESPITE the BS he has pulled up to now.

 

[MisterBigglesworth]

... Alot of people send their kids to boarding school for different reasons. He gets ample attention, he doesn't feel abandoned, he is a weekly boarder and spends his weekends with my mom in an awesome town that he loves. He doesn't enjoy comming back to the city during school holidays. We make every effort to regularly travel up to see him and spend tome with him. And really, he hasn't had a hiding in many years, maybe that was our big mistake. Next time I'm out, will pop in at the library for the parenting manual 101 that I clearly forgot to read that tells us how to do everything right and be perfect parents.

Look, the first time I got drunk I was 16, on Hunters Gold (terrible stuff). I phoned my mom to come pick me up from the social event, and she asked me straight and I said yep, I drank. That was that, nothing more came of it. So why bring this up...well, kids experiment with any and almost everything. I didnt get caught the way he did (in terms of consequences) and was lucky...not the same for your kid. Sure...its terrible WRT how it happened, so thats really not great

I went to boarding school. Grew up without a dad and my mother felt she couldnt support me in the role a father figure could, so thats why I went. I didnt feel abandoned...came home every weekend, and I knew why my mother sent me there.

So that was from Std 6/Grade 8. After 3 years...really had enough, told my mother I didnt enjoy it and came back home. The catch is some people love it, others hate it.

My question is how sure are you that he does not feel abandoned? From the reply above, you obviously live far away from where he goes to school, as he is with your mother (his grandmother) on weekends. You then see him and travel to visit when you can.

Sorry to say this, but if I were him...I would feel abandoned. Staying with a family relative is not the same as being with mom and dad. I love my gran, sure...but at that age would I have liked to be with her weekends instead of my parents? Not a chance.

Im no psychologist...but I think you might have amplified the issues that were present before he went to boarding school. You sent him there hoping it would help fix things. Instead, it has made things worse has it not?

I recon a lot of these replies are spot on...you need to reconnect and its going to take a lot of effort and sacrifices. Thats the only way. Try get him in a school close to home and get involved as much as possible in his life again.

Thats my 2 cents.

PS: You are not a failure. If it was easy and there was a set way to raise a child...every kid would grow up to be perfect. It's a trial and error experience, and all hope for is that our kid turns out fine one day. I think we are doing ok for now, but it does get harder with some things. You just do the best you can...and the fact that is affected you the way it did, shows you care which is a lot more I can say about parents you read in the news about...

 

[Carol35]

Does he play sport? Does his dad play sport or do any activity with him? I find that fathers often start off strong in the young years, then stop those activities. Like kicking the ball around and stuff. Things like that help to keep the door open for the father to instil some words of wisdom without it feeling like a lecture. Teenagers hate lectures.

Oh yes, the husband finds his "ways" extremely bewildering. He is a straight arrow, has always done what is expected of him, never broken rules and nerdy lol to best describe him and find its hard to accept that our son cant be similarly mannered (and like the girls) although they do happen to share traits. They don't share many common interests sadly. Our son plays sport and gyms, his father the geek. This doesn't make him a bad father btw, as I myself, am not like my daughters, they are their father through and through.

This morning I put him in a good mood and then told him. He took it surprisingly well, and despite an initial blow up, he then just sighed and is resigned/calm and trying not to be too angry. (lol, to the fact that we will still have him home living with us at 30 haha). At the end of the day, he is still our son and we love him.

 

[Pho3nix]

Regardless of how the school operates (Their point system etc), for them to expel him is a process that requires the DoE's approval. I can also understand why you want it to be amicable, but at the same time the school has to reciprocate that, and if they're leaving you in limbo and not responding to you in a timely fashion, you need to start playing hardball with them. They are trying to bully you, so you do need to push back to some degree. You also need to make your son intimately aware of all goings on, and make him understand the pain and suffering you as parents are going through to keep him in the school DESPITE the BS he has pulled up to now.

^+1. If possible take him to the meetings you'll have with the school.
There is no getting around the needed approval from the DoE.

 

[Nanfeishen]

@op - No parenting failure from what i can see, you have a young independant man in your life who is trying to find his way in the world on his own terms and in his own way, with i will say some good morals.
Give him his space allow him to breath and encourage the values he already shows.

Learning to drive without your knowlwdge - independant
Taking the car to help a friend in need , not joy riding shows strength of character, and morals regarding his view on friends (plus it was a sense of adventure for him i am sure ) and i have no doubt in the back of his mind he did know the risks involved although he would never really admit it to you , as his parent.

The important thing is ,did he manage and succeed in assisting his friend?

The fact that his siblings are doing xyz should never matter in any way, and pointing this out is only really negative reinforcement on him and his self esteem.
I hope you never ever say "look how succesful a or b is, what are you doing with your life etc etc"
major fail if so.

Boarding school was simpler in my day, sneaking out the hostel or sneaking a smoke or drink was hostel "tradition" which was followed up with six of the best if caught, also another hostel tradition. You werent really considered accepted until you had "six of the best" for some or other infraction.
Simpler, less complicated times.

And if your son isnt accademically inclined so what, there are many careers, trades that do not require endless hours of meaningless classroom time in an outdated, old fashioned system that schools rather than educates people.
Good for you, for taking him off the "Kiddie Cocaine", it is the last thing a young independant, developing mind needs.

 

[ToxicBunny]

Oi!

Nothing wrong with living at home if you're 30.... IF he has a decent job and is saving up to buy a house

 

[Cius]

Society is changing in dramatic ways right now and it is doing so faster than any time before. The structure of the family, and how society raises children in particular, has never changed as fast as it has in the last 30 years. We seem to think we know it all and that there are no consequences to our actions but the truth is we have no clue what will happen. One of the biggest changes that has happened in recent times is the dual income home. The nuclear family used to revolve around a dad that worked and a mom that was available at home and society has moved us away from that model. I'm not trying to say its wrong to work for women, just that we may not fully understand what long term impact it has on the children who don't have that parenting presence in their lives as much due to the work hours.

I know its a tiny case study (my circle of friends and acquaintances) but from what I have seen almost every friend I have seen stuff up in a big way while a scholar has been when the mother was not present due to work commitments or other circumstances. Especially for boys but for all kids I think we are built to need that nurturing influence in our lives a lot longer than we think. A lot of studies are being done on stuff like this right now. Perhaps there is good literature out there. Over-parenting such as is common in Japan and China is the other end of the scale. There the parents control every minute of their kids lives and give them no freedom and hence they never learn how to make choices themselves. They are loosing whole generations of kids once they hit varsity level as these kids go to res and have freedom and they have no clue how to handle that so they go wild. So how do I raise my kids? Over parent, under parent, somewhere in the middle? I don't know. This thread has terrified me though and my oldest is only 4. Either way I hope it all works out somehow Carol. Good luck. My only advice to you is to make sure your son knows first and foremost that you love and care for him.

As the old proverb goes, they don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

 

[guest2013-1]

You're not a failure. first and foremost. Doesn't matter how much you beat them when they're younger (that does help huge amounts btw), when they reach high school they tend to become individuals and their friends love to influence them as well.

Only solid advice I can give you is to stop trying so hard. Your son "boy child" (young man more like it), is used to you or your mother coming up to defend him, hence the "what did I do?" mentality.

Leave him to it. Don't make his problems your problems and try to solve it for him, because he will then forever be the "deer in the headlights" and leave it to someone else to help him out of a pinch.

My attitude would simply be "You got expelled for this full-well knowing the rules, YOU are responsible for enrolling yourself in another school and paying the rest of your tuition/school clothes etc"

Give him the responsibility to sort out his own mess. As soon as he realizes that there are consequences to his actions, and no mommy or granny to help when he does ****up, he'll grow up and change his attitude.

 

[ToxicBunny]

You're not a failure. first and foremost. Doesn't matter how much you beat them when they're younger (that does help huge amounts btw), when they reach high school they tend to become individuals and their friends love to influence them as well.

Only solid advice I can give you is to stop trying so hard. Your son "boy child" (young man more like it), is used to you or your mother coming up to defend him, hence the "what did I do?" mentality.

Leave him to it. Don't make his problems your problems and try to solve it for him, because he will then forever be the "deer in the headlights" and leave it to someone else to help him out of a pinch.

My attitude would simply be "You got expelled for this full-well knowing the rules, YOU are responsible for enrolling yourself in another school and paying the rest of your tuition/school clothes etc"

Give him the responsibility to sort out his own mess. As soon as he realizes that there are consequences to his actions, and no mommy or granny to help when he does ****up, he'll grow up and change his attitude.

Whilst in theory I do agree with you, when it comes to education I would fight tooth and nail to get my kid to finish Matric...

 

[maumau]

Sorry to sound harsh carol but the child lives with his gran and she's the person pleading with the school.

sounds wrong to me????

 

[Crowley]

my boy child

Too much of PC crap. He is your son so treat him like it. Love, affection and discipline.