Depression.

[W@P]

At my 40th it will be my wife , my dog and SARS.

There will always be that one oke that was not invited.

 

[RedViking]

There will always be that one oke that was not invited.

^^ this guy gets it

 

[FiestaST]

 

[neoprema]

July this year was the 2nd anniversary of my father's death by suicide.
There is a saying about the 2 year mark of someone's passing.

3-4 months ago, I was in a bad place. I experienced a wave of grief that was unexpected. I had a couple of vivid dreams where my father and I would be having a discussion. I literally talked in my sleep. When I woke up, I was still talking to him.
I was de moer in with him. I gave him so much shiit in those discussions. I was mad at him. But we talked it out and said friendly goodbyes.

Ever since, I started to feel a little bit better every day.
3 people close to me also confronted me, telling me I have to start living again and stop the Debbie-downer BS.
Which I kind of did. It's going better.

At the end of August I recevied and email from Capital Legacy with a draft L&D account. I scrutinised it and then pissed my eyes out(sad, happy, grateful).
With the finalisation of his estate hanging over me for 2 years like a dark cloud, and now that it's almost at an end, I can start to really close this chapter of my life and move on.

A week ago was my 40th birthday. And some friends insisted that I have a 40th birthday party.
I said, fine, let's do it. I tried to make a guest list. Not even sure who did not come. Doesn't matter. We had fun, and those that were there I am gratefull for.

Friends organised everything, and I said Don't hold back. I am paying for everything, but the one thing I requested was a lekker skaap op die spit.

One of my very close friends made a bit of a speech. And he then turned everyone's attention to the balloons. And there were only 3 red balloons out of all of them. And they were for the 3 people who could not be at my 40th.
My father, my mother, and my sister.

We just have to keep on keeping on. No matter what.
There is always something to live for.

My parents are in their mid-to-late 80s currently. So i know i'll be in for some rollercoasters soon. Generally our family has not experienced much death my Uncles and Aunts in Europe are all younger and i think I last lost an Uncle - the closest family member - in 1997. So I'm bracing for impact....

I think the best will be to just get a boat-load of alprazolam and try ride it out if and when it does happen...

But I imagine its not nice. I hope you're doing better and its good to have had the party to get people around you. Isolation, while it feels like you need it, generally just allows the mind to start creating all sorts of terrible things.

 

[Grant]

July this year was the 2nd anniversary of my father's death by suicide.

death is always difficult to deal with - especially when by suicide.

a friend of mine is a psychiatrist - used to be one of the consultants at valkenburg hospital.
one of his fields of interest was suicide, and would get the most severe of cases.

we used to have rather long conversation about suicide.
i recall him mentioning "jumpers" (off buildings, in front of trains etc) are the most difficult to treat - they have a determination of sorts - if they fail, they will usually try again - typically also jumping, not some other method.

on the other side are the survivors ( any method, not jumping in particular).
he told me the anguish, frustration & guilt experienced by loved ones - even when a note is left making it clear nobody else is to blame in any way whatsoever - the loved ones go thru a long period of self doubt - feeling if only they were nearby to intervene, if only i did this, if only . . . endless self questioning often coupled with a measure of guilt - sometimes debilitating - for somehow not being able to predict the unknown.
a long & challenging healing process.

you are probably familiar with most of this.

for my own part, i still harbour a whole lot of "if only's" related to a youngster that jumped from the roof of an apartment building next to my mother's.
the boy (16) hit the ground about 20m from where i was - i saw nothing, but heard an almighty, but very unusual sounding bang when he landed on the driveway.
I spent about 20mins on the ground with him waiting for, and with paramedics when they got there - watching life slowly drain from him.
He had been on the roof for about 15minutes before he jumped - a number of ppl saw him - quite relaxed, something to drink and having a smoke - he even waved to someone in my mother's building.
next thing he was gone.
to this day i remain convinced i would have been able to talk him down - simply by telling some of the bizarre tales of my own life, i guess as a vivid & entertaining distraction from his thoughts at the time.
while i may have succeeded on that occasion, a conversation with his parents revealed he was undergoing therapy, and this was not his 1st attempt - he was not clinically depressed, but instead saw no purpose in life - despite doing well at school and having a large group of friends.
but even having spoken to his parents, 8yrs later i'm still questioning myself - "what if", "if only". !

 

[Akasha]

I wish it was that easy for me.

Currently I consider myself to have no future, and no matter what I do doesn't seem to be of any value to anyone.

You and me both, brother. Do you have a family? I've found that even though I feel absolutely useless, my husband will always try and help by pointing out that I still do stuff to improve our lives, even if it's not bringing in money

 

[Akasha]

At my 40th it will be my wife , my dog and SARS.

I'll come pet your dog, free of charge

 

[gogga_]

You and me both, brother. Do you have a family? I've found that even though I feel absolutely useless, my husband will always try and help by pointing out that I still do stuff to improve our lives, even if it's not bringing in money

+100000 for your husband. He's a good man that understands things/life/stuff.

 

[W@P]

I lost both my parents in the last 4 years.

My mother died in 2022 at age 65, and my father in 2024 at 68. They were still fresh and active. No illnesses or anything.

My mother went in for a procedure to remove a "bloed klont" from her knee to her upper inner thigh, and the meds they gave her to thin her blood after the procedure caused her to get bleeding in her brain. The pressure of the bleeding eventually damaged her brain stem, and she was declared brain dead; my father and I let them switch off the machines the next day.

Her body's will to stay alive resulted in it taking 6 hours after they started switching everything off before she was declared dead. Insane!!!

My father's depression after losing the one and only woman he ever loved was just so great that he decided to end it 2 years later.
I saw him suffer for 2 years.

Within the last 3 months that my father was alive, I asked him twice if I could take his handgun and keep it at my house. He refused. I visited him often and had daily contact with him since my mother passed away. They lived 5 minutes away from me. We were close and did a lot of things together all the time.

There was a time, since his passing, when I felt I should have put my foot down and taken his gun while I had the chance.
I never blamed myself tho for what he did and for me perhaps not having done enough.

Just for interest's sake.
My father was born in 1956, I in 1986, and my 1st boy in 2016. That is exactly a 30-year gap between each of us. Crazy.


And on another note.

I am divorced. And having been through what I was for the last 4 years has made me abstain from entering romantic relationships completely. I feel like it would be unfair to someone to be in a relationship while I am so broken inside.
This has resulted in me being LONELY AF!!!

But I believe that will change for the better someday.

My 30s were not kind to me.

 

[Akasha]

Sigh. Browser crashed and I now have to type the whole essay again.

28/08 went for blood tests because I told the doctor something is wrong. Got results and script on 31/08. Localized estrogen (too young for HRT), and weekly vit D pills.

Later on that day my husband and I went to his psychologist to try and navigate how to better navigate the turmoil going on. We've been fighting constantly. I'm unemployed, depressed, overwhelmed, and just so damn tired. The ask was for advice on how to fight in a healthier way, because this isn't working. He basically told me that I'm useless and I need to grow up. I can't just be a mom, I need to be more. I am not doing enough in life. Bro, YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?? That's not why we're here. You don't have to repeat and worsen what my husband has been saying. We walked away from that session in a very bad space.I've been extremely upset since then.

On 02/09 I went to my psychologist. It was awkward and I told her that I don't want to be there. I hadn't seen her in a few months so it was weird. I told her about what happened with the other psychologist. We agreed that I'd go to the psychiatrist.

On 08/09 I saw the psychiatrist and updated her on the meds I'm taking. I told her I'm trying to improve and get my sht together, but it's difficult when I can't focus for a few hours. We discussed setting up a complete daily schedule to try and get everything in order. Structure/routine seems like the best way forward. She changed some of the stuff.
Cymgen 60 -> 30 -> 0
Trazodone 10 -> 20
Inir -> Vyfocis

My bestest estest friend was on holiday and meant to fly back home (Ireland) on Friday last week. We usually chat every day, even if it's just a hi or a fb video link. I didn't hear anything from her for days. I asked her husband if they're okay, no reply. I struggle with insane anxiety and apparently boundaries on if people are safe. I asked her mother on fb if she's okay. She sends me a message saying that I need to stop contacting her mom because she panics. I honestly would've thought that after being friends for ~14 years at this point, she'd know that I also panic.

Anyways, I've been a bit of a mess since then as well. I've been struggling with horrible migraines almost daily for the last 2-3 weeks. On Sat I woke up at about 3am, drank painkillers, and then kept the migraine for the rest of the day.

I started the new meds yesterday. I had such a bad migraine. I wanted to nap, but there just wasn't time for it.

I've been trying to go to the gym 3 days a week for the last few weeks. I met that goal twice. I'm trying to do AI courses/learn Java. I'm trying to be a good mom and have the kid exceed at school. 2 weeks ago she got 2/10 on a spelling test, and that just shows lacking from my part, as I literally vibe-coded an app to scramble the spelling words and she must get the letters in the correct order.

I guess sharing this with "strangers" on the internet is somewhat okay. I don't feel like I can talk to my family about it. My mother doesn't understand depression. My husband doesn't understand depression, even though he's amazing, and cares for me and our daughter.

I think knowing there's someone with the same thoughts/experiences/feelings as I have, is somewhat comforting, knowing I'm not alone.

I don't want more pity. I'm not suicidal. I just feel like if I got into an accident and died, or if got terminally ill and have like 3 days left, that would also be okay.

I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm on my way to the physio because my back/neck is a ball of stress.

 

[gogga_]

I am divorced. And having been through what I was for the last 4 years has made me abstain from entering romantic relationships completely. I feel like it would be unfair to someone to be in a relationship while I am so broken inside.
This has resulted in me being LONELY AF!!!

But I believe that will change for the better someday.

My 30s were not kind to me.

You're gonna be just fine. You're still relatively young and active and the right girl is waiting to blow you away with love, friendship and massive doses of living, laughing and fun.

You are worthy of all these good things coming your way

 

[W@P]

You're gonna be just fine. You're still relatively young and active and the right girl is waiting to blow you away with love, friendship and massive doses of living, laughing and fun.

You are worthy of all these good things coming your way

Thanks for the kind words.

Time will tell.

 

[W@P]

Sigh. Browser crashed and I now have to type the whole essay again.

28/08 went for blood tests because I told the doctor something is wrong. Got results and script on 31/08. Localized estrogen (too young for HRT), and weekly vit D pills.

Later on that day my husband and I went to his psychologist to try and navigate how to better navigate the turmoil going on. We've been fighting constantly. I'm unemployed, depressed, overwhelmed, and just so damn tired. The ask was for advice on how to fight in a healthier way, because this isn't working. He basically told me that I'm useless and I need to grow up. I can't just be a mom, I need to be more. I am not doing enough in life. Bro, YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?? That's not why we're here. You don't have to repeat and worsen what my husband has been saying. We walked away from that session in a very bad space.I've been extremely upset since then.

On 02/09 I went to my psychologist. It was awkward and I told her that I don't want to be there. I hadn't seen her in a few months so it was weird. I told her about what happened with the other psychologist. We agreed that I'd go to the psychiatrist.

On 08/09 I saw the psychiatrist and updated her on the meds I'm taking. I told her I'm trying to improve and get my sht together, but it's difficult when I can't focus for a few hours. We discussed setting up a complete daily schedule to try and get everything in order. Structure/routine seems like the best way forward. She changed some of the stuff.
Cymgen 60 -> 30 -> 0
Trazodone 10 -> 20
Inir -> Vyfocis

My bestest estest friend was on holiday and meant to fly back home (Ireland) on Friday last week. We usually chat every day, even if it's just a hi or a fb video link. I didn't hear anything from her for days. I asked her husband if they're okay, no reply. I struggle with insane anxiety and apparently boundaries on if people are safe. I asked her mother on fb if she's okay. She sends me a message saying that I need to stop contacting her mom because she panics. I honestly would've thought that after being friends for ~14 years at this point, she'd know that I also panic.

Anyways, I've been a bit of a mess since then as well. I've been struggling with horrible migraines almost daily for the last 2-3 weeks. On Sat I woke up at about 3am, drank painkillers, and then kept the migraine for the rest of the day.

I started the new meds yesterday. I had such a bad migraine. I wanted to nap, but there just wasn't time for it.

I've been trying to go to the gym 3 days a week for the last few weeks. I met that goal twice. I'm trying to do AI courses/learn Java. I'm trying to be a good mom and have the kid exceed at school. 2 weeks ago she got 2/10 on a spelling test, and that just shows lacking from my part, as I literally vibe-coded an app to scramble the spelling words and she must get the letters in the correct order.

I guess sharing this with "strangers" on the internet is somewhat okay. I don't feel like I can talk to my family about it. My mother doesn't understand depression. My husband doesn't understand depression, even though he's amazing, and cares for me and our daughter.

I think knowing there's someone with the same thoughts/experiences/feelings as I have, is somewhat comforting, knowing I'm not alone.

I don't want more pity. I'm not suicidal. I just feel like if I got into an accident and died, or if got terminally ill and have like 3 days left, that would also be okay.

I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm on my way to the physio because my back/neck is a ball of stress.

You're not alone. I promise you.

I can imagine that juggling a child and a husband while feeling like you do can be overwhelming. I take my hat off to you for trying.
I also take my hat off to my ex-wife for juggling 3 little boys and an SO while keeping her shiiit together.

And also, it's hard if someone does not understand depression. When people come with the words, "nee kom nou man ruk jouself reg" or along those lines, I wanna slap the living fsck out of them. But instead, I just smile and wave.

 

[Akasha]

You're not alone. I promise you.

I can imagine that juggling a child and a husband while feeling like you do can be overwhelming. I take my hat off to you for trying.
I also take my hat off to my ex-wife for juggling 3 little boys and an SO while keeping her shiiit together.

And also, it's hard if someone does not understand depression. When people come with the words, "nee kom nou man ruk jouself reg" or along those lines, I wanna slap the living fsck out of them. But instead, I just smile and wave.

Luckily my husband isn't like that at all. He is very kind and supportive. When I started taking anti-depressants a few years ago, my mom thought it was "all in my head", but I explained to her that it's not, and just thinking positive won't think the depression away. She's since been a lot more supportive as well.

Just finished at the physio. I might die from pain now

 

[Akasha]

Anyone know if @copacetic is still around? Haven't heard from him in forever

 

[Brian_G]

Had suicidal depression from about 8 to 14, a friend and I tried to do ourselves in but chickened out. Many years later he succeeded.

We went through a terrible period where we "recovered" by becoming bullies and very destructive, don't do that! It destroys you inside

What got me right is learning to care. Find someone or something to care about, it will take much time for some but the rewards are wonderful.

Find your interest, work on it

 

[Akasha]

Animals really get you through the worst

 

[W@P]

Had suicidal depression from about 8 to 14, a friend and I tried to do ourselves in but chickened out. Many years later he succeeded.

We went through a terrible period where we "recovered" by becoming bullies and very destructive, don't do that! It destroys you inside

What got me right is learning to care. Find someone or something to care about, it will take much time for some but the rewards are wonderful.

Find your interest, work on it

You nailed it.

CARE!!! Just care!

I cannot stress this enough. Care about yourself, about others, and whatever you feel is worth caring for.

I find a lot of peace and happiness in caring and helping others. However, that might be.
Financially, an ear that listens, whatever their need is.

"We are not here for a long time. We are here for a good time."

Said someone...