Please help :( i dont know what to do anymore

Ho3n3r said:
Moving back in will make it easier to find out. If she stays but accept your rights to be there, she probably isn't. If she makes a massive fuss and moves out immediately, she probably is.
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Yesterday i got home early and with it being her birthday on the 14th, her company is taking her out for drinks........yea, "he" will be there. We had a bit of a chat before i dropped her off at work and she said that she just needs till sunday to figure things out. She said there was flirting at work, whether thats all or not im not sure, maybe more info will come out on Sunday, so last night my daughter and I had such a good time chilling watching and doing what ever she wanted.

Marius Flash said:
Please help! i dont know what to do anymore, i miss my girls so much and dont know how long i can go on like this. Thankfully though i get to see my daughter tonight for the weekend.:cry:
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Been reading all the replies and answers to Stillie's predicament he finds himself in his marriage.

Stillie I want you to know that I have been there myself and I am today single and have gone through a divorce......Nasty stuff !

All the Tell Tale signs are there that your wife is having an affair and she wants out because of her infidelity.

We all don't have all the right answers to situations like these and they are painful in the beginning, but time really does heel bad feelings. I don't won't to profess that I have all the answers, as I don't ! But what I do know that when your wife is unhappy and the intimacy get's less and less with feeble excuses, that's it ! Time to have serious reflections one on one , being brutally honest with each other in order to save the marriage, as divorce is not always the answer.

Having said this: There is this one thing that must be asked and be remembered in any relationship....... It is:

"What the eyes can't see , the heart can't feel.......BUT ! And a big BUT !!!! is : "What the eyes reveal, is what the heart eventually feels".

I pray that your wife realizes the decision she is making now, that if she seriously is not happy and wants/needs to move on, then let her do so! It might end in divorce, if so, remember you have your daughter and that will never change, be there for her, no matter what. God bless and be strong. When dialogue is done in respect and humility , kindness and love, even if there are Infidelity issues , the process, whether positive or negative will all work out for both parties.:)
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Well we can only wait and see what happens tomorrow, i think i will be dropping my daughter off at my friends place, coz i dont know if things will get heated when we talk and i dont want my daughter around when/if that happens

Thor187 said:
I get her point to a degree, but she made a commitment and you have a daughter now. Time for her to think about the child first.

As for the single guy friend who obviously seems to be a tad bit more than just the normal work colleague tell him to fck right off. Work is work. Your married he has zero business hanging out with your wife.
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Yea IF things work out there are going to have to be changes regarding this dude.

purpleheart said:
If you love her and want the relationship to work fight for her, you have been with her for long enough you know how! If it doesn't work out you will know you did your best, this is the only way to ensure you do not have regrets. She is the mother of your child and will always be in your life. This could actually make you a stronger couple. Focus on the friendship and the intimacy will follow.

I think you have done the right thing by giving her space it shows that you have respect for her and the best interest of your daughter at heart. Just don't allow it to go on too long. I don't think you need to be defensive you are not at that point yet and don't need to be paranoid or preempt something that might never happen.

Do not start believing that she has been unfaithful just because these guys think that, they don't really know either of you so trust your own judgement.

Sometimes people aren't the best for each other but I have also met people who regret not stepping up and doing the nessasary to save a valuable relationship so be mindful.
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In the past i have always thought that this woman is too good to be true, she is a stunning woman and i cant see how she has never been unfaithful with me. I honestly dont think any of the things she has done has been too serious in the sense that i dont think she has slept with any one or anything like that.

Today she is working, yea..... he is there...... but she has to work i guess and hopefully she will come back tomorrow so we can talk and get things straightened out but i am in all honesty thinking that i dont know if this can be repaired because of how she wants to get to know who she is etc like she wouldve if we didnt get serious so early, and maybe its a good thing if it does happen because then i can also do the same.

Im kinda slit in two in thinking that maybe we should end this so we can figure ourselves out but on the other hand i really dont want it to end because even though she hasnt been her self for a while i still love her, still enjoy her company, still enjoy everything about her! Thanks for the advice guys.

I will update you asap
 
oh and i forgot to mention that she didnt put up a fight or anything when i said i was coming home. she didnt like the fact that i was "pressuring" her into hurrying this up which is not the case. She is currently staying at a friends place she went straight from where ever they were for this function to this friends place (FYI not the dude at work)
 
Stillie said:
oh and i forgot to mention that she didnt put up a fight or anything when i said i was coming home. she didnt like the fact that i was "pressuring" her into hurrying this up which is not the case. She is currently staying at a friends place she went straight from where ever they were for this function to this friends place (FYI not the dude at work)
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Which makes her more vulnerable to his advances and charms.
It's a dangerous situation. Monitor it closely.
 
skye.za said:
Wont the child be home with her? She is not going to bang a dude while her child is home.

They would probably do it in his car or at his flat.

It might happen at home if the child goes to day care.
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Not trying to catch her in the act. Just to "stake a claim" and unbalance her.

Before the talk. If she home first or changes the playing field in her favor.
 
Stillie said:
oh and i forgot to mention that she didnt put up a fight or anything when i said i was coming home. she didnt like the fact that i was "pressuring" her into hurrying this up which is not the case. She is currently staying at a friends place she went straight from where ever they were for this function to this friends place (FYI not the dude at work)
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Dude, I just feel sorry for you. You do not know whats happening at the "friends place" for all we know HE might have dropped her there. They may be chatting over the phone the whole night. they may be out for breakfast right now.

All I will say is that when women start "noticing" someone else, the current relationship Fcked. When she admits, then she has thought long and hard and made her decision.

I know its going to be hard but hear what she has to say and do not change her mind. What is the point of living together but she keeps seeing the other guy because that will happen trust me I know.

Be strong.
 
Stillie said:
Im kinda slit in two in thinking that maybe we should end this so we can figure ourselves out but on the other hand i really dont want it to end because even though she hasnt been her self for a while i still love her, still enjoy her company, still enjoy everything about her! Thanks for the advice guys.
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You love her Stillie. Don't do this to yourself and your daughter if you don't have to. If it has to happen, let it happen from her side.
As for "figuring yourselves out" - nobody ever successfully does anyway, so don't fall for that argument. You can figure yourselves out together, being single longer before marriage wouldn't have changed that much imo...but you can disagree with my last point and still recognize that this "figuring out" stuff isn't really good enough reason to end a marriage.
You can be the emotionally stable one here - the voice of reason. Reason will tell you that best case scenario is that you stay together. If she doesn't want to, let her go. Chances are if she did cheat, she'd want to leave and there'd be nothing you can do. Staying would mean having to deal with that guilt every day she sees you.
That's why I'm saying OP, don't let anything sway you. It isn't over until it's over.
You're two will never be perfect, so why not be imperfect together. At the same time, you seem to have a great relationship with your daughter. Divorce would mean you likely won't get to see her every day. That in itself should be motivation enough to first see if you can stay together.
All the best!
 
Stillie said:
Her reason for needing the space is that she wants to figure things out and be alone. We have been together since she was 16 and i was 18 and she said: i just sat one day and thought about how tied down ive been for so long and what it would feel like to be on my own. Then i started getting unhappy coz i wanted to know.
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This ^

She is basically having a midlife crisis. Its not uncommon or unnatural for anyone having spent the majority of their adult lives with one person.
People somehow think at a certain age that it sounds great, young love, lets live together, maybe have a child, build a future together, etc etc.
Nice , comfortable, secure , however sometimes one partner begins to outgrow the other.
Their dreams change, their goals change, maybe they want to travel, maybe the rut of work, home, children etc week after week , month after month, year after year with the same routine simply becomes too much and they want something more.
Maybe they wish to change their lifestyle. Maybe they just want to feel special , needed , wanted, have the excitement of being with someone else, being wined and dined, going out, meeting new people, making new friends.
The same conversations, the same circle of friends, the same routine day in day out.
Dull monotonous boredom.
Does she still care for you - yes
Does she still love you , yes, but more in the way of how friends love each other than actual lovers love each other , hence the decline in intimacy.
Does she want to hurt you - no
Is she afraid of the change, yes very, yet at the same time she is also probabily desperately unhappy.

You need to be man about this, and discuss these issues without being a boy and getting emotional about it as their is a child involved.
You may have to put your emotions aside and face the fact that you are still the best of friends, can still get along , can still enjoy each others company etc, but that maybe your time together is possibly over (for now , as who knows what transpires in the future, but dont live in hope that it will return to what you had).

It wont be easy, i promise you.
Sometimes people are better off remaining the best of friends than trying to maintain a more formal relationship that would ultimately land up destroying those many years of friendship.

Good luck
 
Nanfeishen said:
This ^

She is basically having a midlife crisis. Its not uncommon or unnatural for anyone having spent the majority of their adult lives with one person.
People somehow think at a certain age that it sounds great, young love, lets live together, maybe have a child, build a future together, etc etc.
Nice , comfortable, secure , however sometimes one partner begins to outgrow the other.
Their dreams change, their goals change, maybe they want to travel, maybe the rut of work, home, children etc week after week , month after month, year after year with the same routine simply becomes too much and they want something more.
Maybe they wish to change their lifestyle. Maybe they just want to feel special , needed , wanted, have the excitement of being with someone else, being wined and dined, going out, meeting new people, making new friends.
The same conversations, the same circle of friends, the same routine day in day out.
Dull monotonous boredom.
Does she still care for you - yes
Does she still love you , yes, but more in the way of how friends love each other than actual lovers love each other , hence the decline in intimacy.
Does she want to hurt you - no
Is she afraid of the change, yes very, yet at the same time she is also probabily desperately unhappy.

You need to be man about this, and discuss these issues without being a boy and getting emotional about it as their is a child involved.
You may have to put your emotions aside and face the fact that you are still the best of friends, can still get along , can still enjoy each others company etc, but that maybe your time together is possibly over (for now , as who knows what transpires in the future, but dont live in hope that it will return to what you had).

It wont be easy, i promise you.
Sometimes people are better off remaining the best of friends than trying to maintain a more formal relationship that would ultimately land up destroying those many years of friendship.

Good luck
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+1
 
Stillie said:
She is currently staying at a friends place she went straight from where ever they were for this function to this friends place (FYI not the dude at work)
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Yeah no this sounds very dodge...
 
Nanfeishen said:
This ^

She is basically having a midlife crisis. Its not uncommon or unnatural for anyone having spent the majority of their adult lives with one person.
People somehow think at a certain age that it sounds great, young love, lets live together, maybe have a child, build a future together, etc etc.
Nice , comfortable, secure , however sometimes one partner begins to outgrow the other.
Their dreams change, their goals change, maybe they want to travel, maybe the rut of work, home, children etc week after week , month after month, year after year with the same routine simply becomes too much and they want something more.
Maybe they wish to change their lifestyle. Maybe they just want to feel special , needed , wanted, have the excitement of being with someone else, being wined and dined, going out, meeting new people, making new friends.
The same conversations, the same circle of friends, the same routine day in day out.
Dull monotonous boredom.
Does she still care for you - yes
Does she still love you , yes, but more in the way of how friends love each other than actual lovers love each other , hence the decline in intimacy.
Does she want to hurt you - no
Is she afraid of the change, yes very, yet at the same time she is also probabily desperately unhappy.

You need to be man about this, and discuss these issues without being a boy and getting emotional about it as their is a child involved.
You may have to put your emotions aside and face the fact that you are still the best of friends, can still get along , can still enjoy each others company etc, but that maybe your time together is possibly over (for now , as who knows what transpires in the future, but dont live in hope that it will return to what you had).

It wont be easy, i promise you.
Sometimes people are better off remaining the best of friends than trying to maintain a more formal relationship that would ultimately land up destroying those many years of friendship.

Good luck
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+2
 
You goal should be to get her and you to see a professional therapist together so she can at least articulate to them why she is unhappy and that you can know and from there make a plan. She might have cheated and is conflicted but at least a professional 3rd party might get it out of her or she might just feel like she no longer wants to be with you. The longer she stays away from living with you the more she is disconnecting from you.
 
Hi guys,

We had our chat yesterday, i dropped my daughter off at a friends incase things got heated. Don't want my daughter around when we shouting. Anyway, it never got heated and after the talk we realised there were a ton of other problems in our relationship that we didnt realise until we lay them out on the table.

Basically, when we first met and for many years after that we were always hanging on each other and many of our friends were envious of our relationship because of how we were for so long into the relationship. For years it was like we just met the way we were around each other. Any way we both realised that, that dwindled away as life got in the way and affected us both. We both started getting moody and slowly became unhappy in our relationship as it got stagnant etc.

I , over the years have never had to question my trust with her, EVER! It almost felt too good to be true but i have never had to and I think last year it just got too much for my wife so her eyes and thoughts started to wonder and one thing led to another. She says it was nothing more than flirtation at work and i believe her (you might say I'm in denial, and i may be)

So over the next couple months we going to try really hard to go back to how it was, not a forced type of trying and if it does get to a point where its forced then we will have to call it off. If we do try hang onto the relationship its just going to get poisonous and we both don't want that for our daughter. After we had our chat yesterday, and yes i know its still early, but things were amazing! We were both happy and i could see that with my wife.

One thing i didn't realise until this morning was the butterfly feeling has been missing for a very long time! I think what happened to us in the past few months has been a really good thing for us in our relationship as it has made us realise how toxic our relationship has gotten and we now know where and how to fix it.

I still think that my wifes thoughts and eyes wondered because of how toxic the relationship got and i dont blame her for that, not one bit. This "friend" at work is just the symptom of the problems we have had in our relationship. "Happy wife, Happy Life" is always the motto i have lived by but i think i have been slacking in that and i now know how to change that and i am going to work my damndest to make it work.

So for the current future, we going to try our best to mend the relationship and see where it goes.

Thanks for all the advice you guys gave, i think the biggest piece of advice i got from here was the "Move back in and she moves out while she thinks things over" and the advice from @Nanfeishen was spot on and i am glad i read that before we had the chat, because i was going to go in that with guns blazing and divorce papers flying. That post made me realise how important my wife is to me and how much i love her.

Thanks again guys! appreciate all the help!
 
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Stillie said:
Hi guys,

We had our chat yesterday, i dropped my daughter off at a friends incase things got heated. Don't want my daughter around when we shouting. Anyway, it never got heated and after the talk we realised there were a ton of other problems in our relationship that we didnt realise until we lay them out on the table.

Basically, when we first met and for many years after that we were always hanging on each other and many of our friends were envious of our relationship because of how we were for so long into the relationship. For years it was like we just met the way we were around each other. Any way we both realised that, that dwindled away as life got in the way and affected us both. We both started getting moody and slowly became unhappy in our relationship as it got stagnant etc.

I , over the years have never had to question my trust with her, EVER! It almost felt too good to be true but i have never had to and I think last year it just got too much for my wife so her eyes and thoughts started to wonder and one thing led to another. She says it was nothing more than flirtation at work and i believe her (you might say I'm in denial, and i may be)

So over the next couple months we going to try really hard to go back to how it was, not a forced type of trying and if it does get to a point where its forced then we will have to call it off. If we do try hang onto the relationship its just going to get poisonous and we both don't want that for our daughter. After we had our chat yesterday, and yes i know its still early, but things were amazing! We were both happy and i could see that with my wife.

One thing i didn't realise until this morning was the butterfly feeling has been missing for a very long time! I think what happened to us in the past few months has been a really good thing for us in our relationship as it has made us realise how toxic our relationship has gotten and we now know where and how to fix it.

I still think that my wifes thoughts and eyes wondered because of how toxic the relationship got and i dont blame her for that, not one bit. This "friend" at work is just the symptom of the problems we have had in our relationship. "Happy wife, Happy Life" is always the motto i have lived by but i think i have been slacking in that and i now know how to change that and i am going to work my damndest to make it work.

So for the current future, we going to try our best to mend the relationship and see where it goes.

Thanks for all the advice you guys gave, i think the biggest piece of advice i got from here was the "Move back in and she moves out while she thinks things over" and the advice from @Nanfeishen was spot on and i am glad i read that before we had the chat, because i was going to go in that with guns blazing and divorce papers flying. That post made me realise how important my wife is to me and how much i love her.

Thanks again guys! appreciate all the help!
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Good to read this(assuming she's not lying). :)
 
Nice read. It will still be a tough road as it is too early as you mention. Need to walk on egg shells as well as 1 slip up from you will help her change her mind since she already has someone else in her mind at the same time.
Sucks being the third wheel in your own relationship, even if they did nothing together physically, it falls under emotional cheating. This will be a hard battle and the thing that sucks the most is that you will have to walk on eggshells so as to not p!ss each other of.

I'm not sure if going on trips and events to keep your mind off things, or even just sitting in front of the TV watching and movies, or making food together will help, I'm not really sure what the next step is regarding "quality time" but maybe it will help. (even if it is... a readjustment that takes you back to the time you 2 first started dating)
 
CamiKaze said:
Nice read. It will still be a tough road as it is too early as you mention. Need to walk on egg shells as well as 1 slip up from you will help her change her mind since she already has someone else in her mind at the same time.
Sucks being the third wheel in your own relationship, even if they did nothing together physically, it falls under emotional cheating. This will be a hard battle and the thing that sucks the most is that you will have to walk on eggshells so as to not p!ss each other of.

I'm not sure if going on trips and events to keep your mind off things, or even just sitting in front of the TV watching and movies, or making food together will help, I'm not really sure what the next step is regarding "quality time" but maybe it will help. (even if it is... a readjustment that takes you back to the time you 2 first started dating)
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I'm not walking in eggshells it's making changes to how we are together whether or not we watching tv or going out. Also it's not like if I make a single mistake that's it done it's if I make the mistake, she mentions it and I don't change and keep making that mistake depending on what it is then it's over. The point is to point out to each other where our problems are so we know where to fix and if we don't change and fix the problems then things will be called off
 
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