Nelson Mandela has thanked his corporate owners and party commissars for giving him the weekend off so that he could celebrate his 2000th birthday with his family, saying that it was nice to stop making money for other people for a change and to have some birthday cake. Meanwhile his owners have released Mandela's Seven Commandments.
According to official corporate- and ANC lore, Mandela was born on July 18 in 9AD, and laid in a manger in the Eastern Cape because there was no room at the Holiday Inn. He then invented writing, money, and democracy, and as a keen amateur boxer he slew Goliath, won with a technical knockout against Genghis "The Mongolian" Kahn in the sixth round, and invented the George Foreman griller before moving into politics.
In 400AD he felt in his waters that a new evil was rising in the east and summoned an alliance of the free peoples of Middle Earth to ride to the very Black Gate of Mordor to fight Apartheid, mainly because "Black Gate" was clearly a racially pejorative term.
He was tricked by the White Wizard Vorster and chained to a rock for 27 years, where he became wise and forgiving. However he escaped by carving a tunnel behind his poster of Rita Hayworth and bit off F.W. De Klerk's finger to claim the One Ring of Power.
